...Gabby forcefully say to Susan, "No, absolutely not." Susan whines and begs. Gabby: "You wouldn't even let your own daughter go out with him." Huh? That statement would have only made sense if Gabby had cited someone who Susan hated, like, "You wouldn't even let Edie go out with him." Because I think there are probably many men whom Susan would find suitable for Gabby but not her sixteen-year-old daughter. Susan whines that Zach has really matured since becoming a "billionaire." Gabby snaps at Susan for "pimping [her] out to a teenager." Susan: "Okay, I deserve the 'pimping' remark, but let's not pretend that we're above teenagers." Did Susan go to the same lame favor-asking school as CreePaul? Because judgmentally alluding to a friend's affair with a teenaged gardener isn't really going to grease any wheels. Susan: "Gabby, you're all I've got." Didn't CreePaul just say that Zana's all he's got in the world? Are we supposed to be drawing parallels between Susan and CreePaul? If so, it doesn't really reflect well on Susan. Or CreePaul, really. For some unfathomable reason, Gabby agrees to this lame scheme, but then she asks Susan why she thinks Zana will even agree to the idea. Susan: "Because he's a great kid, and he's gonna want to help Mike. And you won't be wearing a bra when you ask him out." I wonder, is that a reference to all the rumors bouncing around these days about how the Housewives keep insisting on going braless on the set, and it's costing huge dollars to digitally erase their pointy nipples in post-production?
And now for the debut of Rebel Zana. Let me first set the scene: a room decorated with Z Gallerie-style "hip" furniture: a kidney-shaped couch that's sort of '50s Atomic-inspired, except that the couch back is done up in panels of differently colored leather (red, pink, yellow, blue, turquoise), a full bar with stools covered in a cow print. There's pinball machine in one corner, and a motorcycle propped up against the wall, and there's a band jamming on a stage. I guess Zana's built himself his own clubhouse? Zana is wailing ("The chords we're hearing aren't the chords he's playing," says my guitar-playing boyfriend) on a little spiral-painted guitar ("an Epiphone copy of a Zakk Wylde Les Paul"), and he's wearing a stiff-leather motorcycle jacket -- not the most comfortable thing in the world to wear whilst you're shredding, but looking that idiotic is totally worth a little discomfort.
Gabby walks in and Zana's face lights up like a...like a...like a teenaged boy who's just spotted the object of his "sexy older woman" fantasies walking into his own private Viper Room. He tells his band to "take five." Gabby compliments him on owning his own recording studio. Zana, super-coolly: "Yeah. I needed a place to lay some tracks with my band." Oh myLANTA, he is such a feeb. Then Zana brags that one of his musicians "used to tour with the Doobie Brothers." Unless I've really missed something, and I don't know how I could have missed something as hugely inexplicable as a Doobie Brothers resurgence, then this is possibly the saddest thing Zana's said yet. Is there anyone born after 1945 who would be stoked by presence of some guy who used to tour with the Doobs? I don't know, maybe he's just being super ironic. But no, he's too humorless for that. Gabby, not wanting to hang any longer than necessary, lays out the terms of her whorish scheme. They bicker over terms -- she wants a meal, no dessert, separate cars, no touching; he wants a whole day, three meals, and a goodnight kiss. They compromise with lunch and dinner, and (after Zana promises to put up Mike's million-dollar bail, in addition to covering his legal fees) one kiss.