CreePaul reveals the reason he tried to artificially instill feelings of debt and gratitude in Mike: he wants Mike to ask his bio-son Zana to come visit CreePaul. The fancy lawyer Ian hires for Mike vastly disappoints Susan by recommending that Mike plead guilty. How dare the man make an educated evaluation of the evidence and suggest a route that will help minimize Mike's prison time! So Susan decides to use her own money to hire an even better lawyer, i.e. one who will do whatever she says. And by "her own money," I mean she gets Gabby to get Zana to foot Mike's legal bills, a request that costs Gabby one day-long date with Zana. Gabby actually has fun on their date, but she still rejects Zana's romantic overtures. Zana is hurt, Gabby realizes he's lonely just like she is, and they agree to be Best Friends Forever, aw. Except that when Zana finally heeds Mike's request to go visit CreePaul, and CreePaul predictably asks for money (to hire a PI to track down Felicia), Zana launches into a deluded rant about how he has no money to spare because all his vast fortunes are earmarked for his sexy future wife (Gabby). Oops, make that Best One-Sided Obsession Forever. While Ian's out of town on a business trip, his coma-bound wife Jane takes a turn for the worse, so Ian -- who's worried about his wife dying alone -- asks Susan to sit with her until he can make it home. But Jane isn't alone: her best friend is there, as is the man whom Jane once had an affair with. The best friend gossips to Susan that poor, kind Ian took Jane back even after she cheated on him, but clearly he never trusted her again. This is clearly supposed to give us a big "A-ha!" moment, re: all of Ian's weirdo jealousy problems with Susan. Jane dies. Susan, fueled by this fantastic new insight into Ian's crazy, retells Mike that she can't see him anymore, which makes Mike stand awkwardly on the corner and stare vacantly into space. Lynette -- after getting busted for lying to her boss about still being injured so that she could help hawk Scavo pizza at the big street fair -- decides that she'd rather work with Tom down at the pizzeria. Because sharing the same workplace worked out so well the first time. Bree shows Orson the teeth she found in Alma's floor, and Orson informs Alma that the jig is up. Later, Gloria lures Orson over to Alma's house by pretending that Alma slit her wrists in an attempted suicide. Orson races over to Alma's house, and Gloria slips him a date-rape cocktail (Viagra+GHB+some kind of brown liquor). Alma whips off her fake bandages, strips down to some sexy lingerie, and pounces on Orson. Her plan: get pregnant again (the stuff she's been injecting turns out to be pregnancy-inviting hormones), which will automatically cause Orson to love her. Because that worked out so well the first time. Oh and Bree arrives and punches Alma's lights out.
Previously: all of last week's developments (Bree finds some bloody teeth, Hair Zana stalks Gabby, CreePaul paid prison thugs to beat on Mike), plus Mary Alice reminds us not to forget that Alma and Gloria are in cahoots.
This week, Mary Alice applies the full force of her plummy voiceover on Orson's deep-rooted love of teeth. We see him admiring his own choppers in the mirror at home, and then we flashback to Orson at a barbeque, where he's conducting an impromptu examination of the long-in-the-tooth teeth of one of the Wisteria biddies. It's either The Drunk One or The Cat Lady, I can never, ever keep them straight, which of course terrible because it makes it seem like I think all whiteheads look alike (that's the politically correct term that kids at my high school used to describe elderly people, "whiteheads"). But really, do we even need both those characters? We already have plucky old Mrs. McCluskey; there just isn't enough plotlines to support another two old ladies, especially when they're essentially interchangeable. Can't we just morph them into one character, Drunk Old Cat Lady Whitehead? Or transgender one of them into a man?
Back to Orson and his love affair with teeth: There he is, looking deep into Edie's mouth at a neighborhood party (careful, Orse, many a man has disappeared into that sunny black hole). Next it's Carlos, soliciting free dental advice while standing next to a urinal. Which seems very wrong -- opening your mouth that wide with all those pee molecules floating around? Actually, I wonder if this little moment even has anything to do with dentistry; it could just as easily be a bathhouse romance. Anything's possible: Mary Alice has certainly been wrong before.
Back in the now. MA: "Yes, when it came to teeth, people expected Dr. Hodge to have all the answers. Sadly for Orson, that was not always the case." Orson turns to find Bree standing there, holding the bloody teeth out in her bare hand. Again, I just cannot believe that Bree would be handling those horrors without the benefit of rubber kitchen gloves. And a paper mask. Cleanliness aside, isn't she at all worried about getting her fingerprints on them?
Orson, who I'm beginning to suspect might actually be an idiot, holds one of the teeth up to the light and comments that it all seems a "little fishy." Bree thinks it's beyond fishy: she thinks Alma killed Monique and pulled out all her teeth to implicate the tooth-obsessed Orson, and now she's probably planning to set up Orson to take the fall by planting the teeth on him. Orson -- curious if the teeth make up a "full set" -- spills them out onto their bed, which eeks Bree out, because bloody teeth on the bed is indeed fantastically gross (isn't he supposed to be neat freaky, too?). And then he rolls his hands all over the teeth, which means that his prints are now all over them, too. Bree and Orson hatch a brilliant plan to return the teeth to Alma's house and then call the police on her. They exchange a smug kiss and Bree leaves. Orson picks up the phone and calls mama Gloria, and accuses her of getting up to something "naughty." So if Orson calls Gloria first thing after discovering these teeth, that must mean that he had enough pre-knowledge about their existence to link them to Gloria. Which means that either Gloria pulled the teeth herself and told Orson all about it, or he was the one who did the pulling and Gloria stole the teeth and gave them to Alma. Or I guess there could be some third party who pulled out the teeth, someone that Orson associates with Gloria. And don't forget Mike has to be wrapped up in all this, too, otherwise why else would Orson try to speed-bump him with his car? And then there's that unexplained woman whom Orson visits in the insane asylum (and how weird that Bree hasn't asked about her before now). It sure is a snarled mess of questions, too many questions, maybe? It's all so convoluted that my brain just wants to step out for a hamburger. I keep losing track of the main mystery, which I guess is just, "Who killed Monique?" And that seems like a bad sign. Shouldn't that central question be at the forefront of my mind at all times? Shouldn't I be tossing and turning at night, wondering whodunit? Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm the only one who no longer much cares about all this. Or maybe this is just the mid-season blahs. All I know is that I'm feeling pretty disengaged these days.