Desperate Housewives
Come Play Wiz Me

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Come Play Wiz Me

Together Alma and Gloria lift Orson onto the bed -- the fact that Alma stripped down while Gloria was still there makes this whole thing even creepier. Gloria, all nudge-nudge: "Why don't I give you two some privacy?" Alma thanks her enthusiastically. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Orson tries again to sit up, but Alma slams him back onto the bed. "You mustn't struggle," she chides, "I want this baby to be born of love!" Orson's eyes are huge, screaming alarm bells. Alma gets up to put a silk scarf over the lamp and spray herself with perfume, and as preps for love-time, she tells Orson that she's been injecting herself with hormones so she'd be sure to catch pregnant once they finally got together. Hormones! We totally called it! Orson: "You're crazy." Alma, in the voice of Simka from Taxi: "Crazy for you, mister!" She tweaks his nose. Oh no, no. My brain, she is hanging out the Do Not Disturb sign, but my eyes, they cannot look away! Orson: "I won't, you can't make me." Ah, but she can: She gleefully informs him that his drink was loaded with two kinds of pills. "One to put you to sleep," she says, "and one to keep the part of you I need nice and perky." Isn't that how John Belushi died?

Okay, so you know how on Rescue Me, when Sheila dosed Tommy with GHB and Viagra and then raped him while weeping uncontrollably? Well, what follows goes almost exactly like that, except instead of crying while she's climbing aboard, Alma lip-syncs along to "Let's Misbehave" while smiling like a scary animatronic sexbot.

Coma ward. Coma Jane's blood pressure is dropping, and the doctor's don't think she's going to hold out much longer. Best friend Erika leaves to go call Jane's parents, on a payphone, I guess. Susan's cell phone rings (why didn't she let Erika use her phone to call the parents?). It's Ian, calling from a plane phone: his flight just took off, he should be to Fairview in about six hours. Susan gently tells him that Jane probably isn't going to last that long. Ian very passionately and sadly says that there are "things [he's] got to say to her," that he's "carried around so much anger about something that doesn't mean anything now." Susan offers to put the phone up to Jane's ear so he can tell her everything, and he starts talking. The "Sad, Isn't It?" music soars, and I idly think about whether I need to buy dog food.

You know what really is sad? Zana. Gabby -- wearing the same outfit she wore on her date, so it's still the same night -- shows up at Hot Topic Studios to find him strumming mournfully on his acoustic. ("He's actually playing in these scene," says Marco. "So why did they make him fake it before?") Gabby apologizes for the way their date ended, and he tries to explain "about those women" (i.e., the hookers who told him his barnacle kissing style was tops). Gabby: "Forget about it. Give a horny kid a couple million bucks and the Yellow Pages, and stuff is going to happen." Zana pitifully confesses that the problem is because he's paying everyone, even the guys in his band, but it's the only way to get anyone to like him. Gabby nicely volunteers to be his friend, and he seems genuinely happy.

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Desperate Housewives

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