Desperate Housewives
Come Play Wiz Me

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Come Play Wiz Me

Bree comes home from her book club. Andrew, it seems, has migrated his brainless stare from the computer over to the television. Bree asks why Orson isn't home yet, and he Andrew informs her that he's been over at Alma's for the past few hours. Ah. So that's why they shoehorned him into the "Orson Gets a Phone Call" scene: so he could pass the news along to Bree. Cut to...

...Bree, walking in to Alma's room and discovering Alma -- eyes closed, big smile on her face -- lying atop Orson. Orson's shirt is off (that Alma, she's a rapist with a detail-oriented eye for verisimilitude). Alma leaps to her feet and says, with faux concern, "I'm sorry you had to find out this way." Bree screams at Orson, who refuses to wake up, so she starts beating him with her purse. When he still doesn't wake up, she gets suspicious. Alma tries to play it off as post-coital fatigue, but Bree isn't biting. Bree opens up the beside table and finds the pills Alma used. Bree checks the labels, and then, horrified, she lifts the sheet and checks Orson's Viagra Falls region. She turns, her face full of fury, and growls at Alma, "You. Raped. My husband." Crazy, crazy, crazy Alma: "We made love. And when our baby's born, he's going to come back to me." So crazy. Alma: "I could be expecting right now." Bree: "Were you expecting THIS?" She winds up and fells Alma with a haymaker. Two redheads -- one potentially pregnant but only fictitiously, one pregnant in real life but pretending not to be -- cat fighting with only a World According to Garp-style unconscious man as witness? You just know the three lonely people out there who have this exact, highly specific fetish are just so, so happy right now. Bree picks up the phone and calls Andrew, tells him to come over, "and bring the wheelbarrow." If it were someone else, I'd say call the cops, but I can imagine Bree is pretty leery of the cops by now, after they interrupted her wedding and her latest dinner party. And then there are always appearances that need to be upheld; a male rape victim would be a sweet, sweet berry on the gossip vine.

Mike, now out on bail, pulls up at his house. Zana is waiting for him on the porch. They exchange a strange, strained conversation with lots of silent patches (silent except for the emotiolins fiddling their sad, sad song in the background). Zana asks if Mike remembers him, and Mike confesses that he doesn't, really, but he's aware of Zana's identity. Then Mike thanks him for the lawyer and the bailout. Zana tells him, "It's cool," and then offers to help again if ever Mike needs it. Mike: "I do need something. But it's not for me." Cut to...

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Desperate Housewives

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