Desperate Housewives
Come Play Wiz Me

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Come Play Wiz Me

Ian calls Susan from Montreal. It appears that his coma wife's doctor called him, and she's taken a turn for the worse, and "Jane's parents are in Rome". Ian's heading home on the next flight, but is wondering if Susan would mind going down to the hospital and sitting with Jane. Ian doesn't want her to be alone. Kind of a weird request: would Jane even want her husband's new girlfriend by her side?

Zana and Gabby's big date just coming to a close, and -- get this -- Gabby is actually having a good time. They tumble out of the limo, and Gabby's laughing, ohhoho: she "can't believe [she let him] talk her into that crème brûlée! Whatever. He tells her not to "feel guilty," double-oh-whatever, because they so clearly "burned it off on the dance floor." Yeah, they went salsa dancing. Apparently Zana has been taking lessons ever since he read it in an interview she gave in "Cosmo, '98." So it's Kiss Time, and Gabby offers up her pursed lips for a chaste peck, but Zana engulfs her face with a terrifying a deep-tissue maneuver that is more outer space docking procedure than kiss. Gabby pries herself away, coughing and spitting. Zana pouts that all the girls he's docked have told him that he's a great kisser, and Gabby asks him if they were on his payroll at the time. He gets all mortified -- because they were all prostitutes -- and takes off.

Susan arrives down at the coma ward just as a woman is giving some guy the boot from Jane's room. The woman turns to Susan and accuses her of being one of the "organ-donor vultures." Susan clarifies that she's actually there at Ian's request. Woman, suddenly welcoming: "Oh, you're the girlfriend...come on in." Susan asks the woman, who's name is Erika (played by Amy Aquino, who I totally recognize even though she appears to only appear on a bunch of shows I don't watch), who the guy was she evicted early. Oh, that was Ted, the guy who Jane cheated on Ian with. Susan: "When was this?" Erika: "I hate to dish my best friend on her deathbed," beat, beat, "but gossip was the foundation of our relationship." Erika relocates over to the spot on the couch next to Susan and spills all the sordid details: how Ian was traveling a lot, how Jane got lonely. Ian did take Jane back afterward, but he "never trusted her again." The poignant "Ah, So That's Why Ian's Such A Controlling Dick" music swells, and it's clear that this is supposed to be a big break-through moment. But, since I'm not all that invested in this relationship -- they have so little chemistry that I keep kind of forgetting that they're dating -- I don't really care what does or doesn't make Ian tick. And since this whole scene with Jane's best friend is nothing but a scratch for an itch I don't have, it just feels kind of ham-fisted. For instance, why is Susan there at all? If Jane's best friend is covering the deathbed duties, then there's really no need for Susan to be there.

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Desperate Housewives

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