Scavoria. Lynette walks in and hands Tom her application for the manager job. She quit her job! And now she wants to join the family business, because ever since she got shot, she's wanted to spend more time with her family. Hmmm, I'm not so sure this is the greatest plan. Remember the last time they worked together? And Lynette had to eat a pound of raw bacon to protect Tom from being a whipping boy? Also I'm not sure how running a restaurant, which is a seven-days-a-week, sixteen-hour-a-day job, is going to bring her closer to her kids, but okay. (Maybe this was bitchy Kayla's plan all along? Get Lynette fired so she'd have to work at the Scavoria and never, ever come home? Evil genius!) Tom: "You do realize you're going to have to sleep with the boss." They kiss, and the deal is done.
Orson comes home to find Andrew in front of the computer. The phone rings, and Orson yells, "Alma did WHAT?!" Orson goes racing over to Alma's house, and Andrew, once the funniest person on this show, just sits there and blankly says, "Wait, what did Alma do?" Has Andrew been lobotomized? Why was he even in this scene?
Alma's lying in bed, eyes closed, and she's got bloody bandages on her wrist. Gloria is there, holding a Scotch. Orson asks why Gloria didn't call an ambulance, but she snips that she "thought it best for all concerned to keep this quiet." Gloria points out that Alma left Orson a note, it's sitting right there next to the bed. Fast cut to...
...Orson, sitting with Gloria in the chairs across from Alma's bed, holding a Scotch of his own and looking at the note. The part that we can see reads: "Make you love me again, even after the terrible thing I did. I was wrong. If I can't live with you, I don't want to live at all." Orson rants that Alma only attempted suicide to "upset" him, that she knows his "history," and therefore "knows exactly what buttons to push." Gloria pours him more Scotch and shoots him a smug look that I can't believe he misses -- maybe he's drunk? He goes to stand up and immediately falls back into his chair. He is drunk. Or wait...DRUGGED! Orson looks at his glass, then at Gloria, and pieces it together. Alma sits up and removes her bloody bandages, which are totally fake. Orson, with hilarious flying-tea-cup eyes, asks Gloria what it is that she wants. Gloria: "What every mother wants, dear: a grandchild!" Ew. Alma takes off her robe, and underneath she's wearing this red lingerie thing that sort of looks like a bathing suit from the '50s, which makes no sense, but I must say, she looks very pretty in it. Pretty and completely bananas. Orson tries one last time to stand up and tips right out of his chair (a TULLSTA, if I'm not mistaken...I'd recognize that tippy instability anywhere).