Desperate Housewives

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DeAnn Welker: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Ties and Bondage

Edie's showing Alex and Andrew their new home. They ask if she can clean up the basement before they move in, and she agrees that having old junk around really sucks. Susan comes up yelling "Edie!" and Edie mutters, "Case in point." Then she goes in to the basement, completely ignoring Susan, who follows her in and lets the door shut behind her. Edie says she heard Susan, which is why she kept watching. Susan says the mailman switched their mail again, and Edie says she knows; Susan's mail is in her garbage. Susan asks what's wrong, and Edie explains: She had big news this morning, and Susan prances in with her news of moving in with Jackson. Susan snarks that she thought they gave her latest breakup the three seconds it deserved. Susan tries to leave, but they're locked in. Edie's key is in her purse in the kitchen, and no one knows either of them are there. Oh my gosh, you guys! Maybe they'll die! That would be awesome.

Gaby tells Juanita it's time for her bath, but Juanita's watching her movie. Gaby turns it off and tells her to move. Juanita ignores her, so Gaby grabs her and drags her across the room. She makes it to the stairs, but can't get any farther because Juanita's as big as Gaby. Seriously, that little girl needs to be slapped. You do not let your daughter treat you like that. Gaby tells her she'll forget all about this if she'll go get in the bath now. Juanita sticks out her tongue and "Pfffts" at Gaby. Gaby tries to pull her up the stairs, but hurts her back. Juanita gets back up and goes to the TV and turns her movie back on.

Stella's watching TV when Lynette comes by looking for Porter. Stella pretends not to know her, and then tells all of us what happened: "You're the girl who stuck me here three years ago." So we know how Stella ended up here, and why she's so bitter. Lynette asks if Stella knows what's going on with Porter, and Stella says she reads the papers, and everyone's crying for Porter's blood. Lynette says they have a great lawyer who thinks he can get the case thrown out. Stella pretends she'll call Porter in that case, so Lynette can take care of him just like she took care of her. Stella says Porter's safe; she heard Muriel ratting her out to her brother, so she made sure he was safe. Lynette pleads with her, saying this is wrong. Stella: "Sucks to feel helpless, doesn't it Lynette?"

Back in the basement of my worst nightmares, Susan's doing a ridiculous slow-motion knocking on the door. She's on her knees and leaning on the door with her butt stuck out, and everything about it makes me dislike Teri Hatcher for even playing this scene this way, all helpless and thinking she's sexy while she's pathetic. Ick. Not having any of that. Thankfully, Edie agrees. She says, "Wow. I'm getting a real pleasant picture of what you're like in the old sackaroonie." She sort of ruined the snark by using the word sackaroonie, but at least she tried. She tells Susan they're stuck here, so to please get over it. Edie tells Susan that moving in with Jackson is stupid, pathetic, needy and hilarious, but totally expected. Oh, and Susan calls Jackson "the man I love" even though she said last week that she's "getting there." Edie asks if Susan's ever been without a man ever, and then pulls out a calendar to document the history of Susan's dating life. I know Susan will love this, because it's all about her, but I don't know how Edie or I will get through it. They start with high school. She was dumped by her first boyfriend and had a new one by lunch.

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Desperate Housewives

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