Bree keeps on insisting that she's not a boozehound, and yet...who passes out in the dressing room at McMacy's and gets locked in for the night? Granted, she had her reasons: Andrew (because he's bad, he's bad, you know it) had just threatened to spread lies that she'd molested him as a child if she didn't greenlight his emancipated-minor plan. So Bree gets stuck halfway out the store's spring-loaded gates, and is forced to call her new AA friend (who is cute in a hemp-ish sort of way) for help. Later, while sitting in AA Friend's car after he and a security guard extricate her from her predicament, Bree finally breaks down and semi-admits that she might have a problem with alcohol. Diagnosis? Aw! Elsewhere, it's Danielle's birthday, so Caleb celebrates by hiding in her room and scaring the pants off her (only metaphorically, much to his apparent chagrin). Danielle screams at him and calls him a "freak" until he leaves -- a move that is almost surely going to come back and bite her in the ass, perhaps even literally? Diagnosis? Duh. After last week's pre-surgery-drugs-induced confession that she still loves Mike, Susan tries to smooth things over with Dr. Ron by lying that she doesn't know any Mikes. She also invites Dr. Ron to dinner with Karl so that her young lover can see for himself how so not in love she is with her nominal husband. But Karl, for some strange reason (he's still in love with Susan), sabotages Susan's efforts by manufacturing a plumbing emergency and then sending Dr. Ron over to Mike's for help. Mike, falling right in with evil genius Karl's plan, promptly introduces himself to Ron and volunteers that he's, you know, Susan's ex? Susan is still recovering from her surgery and thus is confined to a wheelchair, so there's the inevitable ridiculous scene where she rolls out into the street to explain her little Mike lie to Ron, she falls out of her chair, Mike and Ron get into a shoving match, Ron drives off, and Susan blames all her romantic failure(s) on Mike. Diagnosis? Whatever. When the Solises' adoption lawyer presents them with an unbelievably ugly -- like "witch makeup" ugly -- expecting mother, Gabby puts her foot down: no ugly genes for her baby! So the lawyer presents them with a conniving yet hot stripper mommy. Hot Stripper Mommy plays hard-to-get by pretending she doesn't want to give her baby to "Mexicans," until Gabby promises her lots of jewelry and money. Diagnosis? Scam! Lynette hires a friend for a job at her ad agency, but is surprised in a bad way to discover that the woman breastfeeds her son at work. Oh yeah, and also, the son is five years old. Lynette, of course, interferes by sneaking the kid some chocolate milk, thereby turning him off breastmilk forever. This makes Lynette's friend sad because now, without the constant calorie drain of regular milkings, she now has to join a gym. Diagnosis? Ew!
Previously: remember last week? Then you're fine.
This week, the MAVO montage is all Gabby. "Gabrielle Solis," MAVO tells us, "had always been a demanding shopper. And whatever the purchase, she always expected the very best." Flashback on a delivery guy dropping off a box MAVO tells us is full of "exotic perfumes shipped over from Paris." Same delivery guy, different day, different box; this time it's a "high-fashion gown straight from a runway in Milan." And then again he's at the door with a whole stack of shoe boxes (and they're actual shoe boxes -- not cardboard shipping boxes -- which have been taped shut in a haphazard way that no postal organization would ever allow, but I nitpick). These, MAVO tells us, are "designer shoes flown in from Manhattan."
Back in the now, Gabby is waiting anxiously at her front door. Carlos comes down and they kiss and smile at each other with eager anticipation. Today is the day they meet the birth mother of their baby! Together Gabby and Carlos open the door with Christmas-morning thrill. And there, waiting for them, is That Guy Sleaze, the lawyer, with a pregnant woman. The woman is, how you say..."totally gnarly"? As in phenomenally over-the-top, "Have fun storming the castle!" gnarly: she's got the unibrow, the blotchy skin, the horrible moles, the Halloween-store teeth, and the greasy, home-bound hair with random chunk pulled back into a scrunchie. It's as if a seventh-grader were given free rein of a makeup kit and told to make this woman look like a dirty witch. A dirty pregnant witch. Who never, ever flosses. HILARIOUS! So Gabby gets a look at the dirty, mole-riddled, unibrowed witch, and her face freezes into a brittle, trapped-animal grimace of a smile. MAVO, with her patented insane glee, quips that, regarding this particular transaction, shop-savvy Gabby has a "problem the manufacturer."
Inside, the foursome sip lemonade as the dirty witch enthusiastically gushes that she's just hoping to give her baby to "people who have what it takes to be great parents." Carlos jumps to assure the woman of how great he and Gabby will be as parents, but Gabby's a little distracted, and totally misses her cue to back Carlos up in his rah-rah-ing. Carlos shoots her a look, and Gabby excuses them and drags Carlos out on to the front porch, where she informs him that under no circumstances will they adopt a baby with dirty-witch genes! Carlos, to his credit, doesn't immediately know what Gabby's talking about, but then it sinks in: "Oh my god, are you trying to say that you don't want Deanna's baby because she's plain?" And the way he says "plain" like that, such a polite and sensitive term for the heavy-handed fright-mask monster within, makes me love him just a little. Gabby, however, finds the term too anemic for the circumstances: "'Plain' I can handle! Carlos, since that woman has walked into our house, the clocks have stopped working." Carlos points out that there's no way of knowing what the baby's going to look like, and for all they know, the dirty witch's baby might grow up and win "beauty contests." But Gabby's not buying what he's selling: "With her DNA? The only thing that kid's going to be winning is Best In Show." I'm not sure if you know this yet, but Gabby kind of sucks? Carlos puts his foot down, telling her he's not going to let her "shallow obsession with looks" mess up this opportunity. Yeah! Gabby is all "fine," but adds that when Carlos has to "cuddle and snuggle" a baby outfitted with Deanna's face, he can't "come crying" to Gabby. In other words, if they wind up with an ugly baby, Gabby refuses to hug or hold it? Awesome.