Backbiters to the Future
The Van De Kamps
With the success of her cookbook, Bree gets her own TV show on the Cuisine Channel. It's so successful that she becomes the tastemaker for America. When Orson asks for an executive producer credit, she refuses, until he reminds her that he went to prison for her, and then she gives him a hat that says "Executive Producer," which makes him happy. But Bree's daughter Danielle, still bitter about Bree feeding her son meat, changes her name back to Van De Kamp and parlays her name recognition into her own vegan cooking show on the Dining Network, which plays opposite Bree's show and actually begins to eclipse it, thanks to the surge in veganism America will go through in 2012. The two clash in public, and they finally decide to settle their differences in the Iron Chef kitchen, which is now held in zero gravity. The competition is hot and heavy, and during some particularly vigorous zero-G dicing, Bree accidentally stabs Danielle repeatedly in the torso. When we rejoin the family five years later, Bree is returning home to Wisteria Lane after serving time in jail for manslaughter. Her career is in shambles, the Van De Kamp name is ruined, and Andrew and Orson have begun filming (and starring in) pornographic movies in the kitchen to get by.
Despite big tips from women he brings to climax, Carlos' blind masseur job is not paying the bills, and they've run out of cars to sell, so Gaby gets a job at a high-end clothing store. Through a series of events so implausible that they could only happen on a serialized television drama, she gets promoted to head buyer, and travels all over Europe for weeks at a time choosing fashions for her chain of stores. Continually unable to find clothes for her overweight daughters, she decides to go into business for herself, using her contacts to start up a line of plus-sized princess costumes, ballerina tutus and bridal dresses. The line is a success, and Juanita is the number-one model for the line, until it is revealed that she is gaining weight drastically, threatening to outgrow even the largest size they make. It seems that the relentless spotlight of being a plus-sized child model has caused her to become a compulsive eater, and Gaby and Carlos have to send her to fat camp for her own health. When we rejoin the family five years later, a thinner, happier Juanita is returning from camp, Carlos is getting used to the new robot eyes he has been given to restore his eyesight, and Gaby's company is getting slapped with a recall upon the discovery that her outfits are all highly flammable.