Backbiters to the Future

by Zach Oat November 4, 2008
Desperate Housewives: Five More Years!

So it seems like the big time-jump that the Housewives did at the end of last season worked pretty well. With five years of unexplained occurrences to catch up on, the first half of the new season has been gangbusters, and we didn't have to wait for the Scavo twins to grow up in order to see them make horrible, horrible mistakes (like Preston's hat!). But now that we've seen what happened in those intervening years -- Tom's heart attack, Susan and Mike's estrangement, Bree's relapse -- we're bored again. Yeah, yeah, Creepy Dave wants to get revenge on Mike for shanking his brother, blah, blah, blah. Give us more drama! And we know how to get it, too -- another time jump! We're tempted to send the Housewives into the far-flung future, to see what Wisteria Lane is like in space (yes, we realize that makes no sense), but another five years should do the trick. Of course, by then, it will be 2018 anyway! Who knows what will have happened by then! Here's what we think will be going on with everybody.

The Scavos
After selling the pizza place and making a brief, unsuccessful tour of the Midwest with the emotionally damaged remnants of Blue Odyssey, Tom finally convinces Lynette to sell the house, take the kids out of school and drive around the country in an RV. After a while they run out of money, and have to resort to singing for change at rest stops. The response is actually fairly positive, so Tom convinces Lynette they should make a go of it as a family band. With Tom on bass, Porter and Preston singing Porter's poetic lyrics, Parker programming computer beats, and a newly reformed Kayla on tambourine, the band does shows across the country, with Lynette driving them from gig to gig in their now brightly painted RV. When we meet up with the family five years later, they have just moved back into their old house on Wisteria Lane, after Tom's unfortunate death in what appeared to be a shooting by a deranged fan. In reality, Lynette shot him after he told her that he wanted to leave the group to pursue his lifelong dream of climbing Mount Everest.

The Van De Kamps
With the success of her cookbook, Bree gets her own TV show on the Cuisine Channel. It's so successful that she becomes the tastemaker for America. When Orson asks for an executive producer credit, she refuses, until he reminds her that he went to prison for her, and then she gives him a hat that says "Executive Producer," which makes him happy. But Bree's daughter Danielle, still bitter about Bree feeding her son meat, changes her name back to Van De Kamp and parlays her name recognition into her own vegan cooking show on the Dining Network, which plays opposite Bree's show and actually begins to eclipse it, thanks to the surge in veganism America will go through in 2012. The two clash in public, and they finally decide to settle their differences in the Iron Chef kitchen, which is now held in zero gravity. The competition is hot and heavy, and during some particularly vigorous zero-G dicing, Bree accidentally stabs Danielle repeatedly in the torso. When we rejoin the family five years later, Bree is returning home to Wisteria Lane after serving time in jail for manslaughter. Her career is in shambles, the Van De Kamp name is ruined, and Andrew and Orson have begun filming (and starring in) pornographic movies in the kitchen to get by.

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