Backbiters to the Future

by Zach Oat November 4, 2008
Desperate Housewives: Five More Years!

The Solises
Despite big tips from women he brings to climax, Carlos' blind masseur job is not paying the bills, and they've run out of cars to sell, so Gaby gets a job at a high-end clothing store. Through a series of events so implausible that they could only happen on a serialized television drama, she gets promoted to head buyer, and travels all over Europe for weeks at a time choosing fashions for her chain of stores. Continually unable to find clothes for her overweight daughters, she decides to go into business for herself, using her contacts to start up a line of plus-sized princess costumes, ballerina tutus and bridal dresses. The line is a success, and Juanita is the number-one model for the line, until it is revealed that she is gaining weight drastically, threatening to outgrow even the largest size they make. It seems that the relentless spotlight of being a plus-sized child model has caused her to become a compulsive eater, and Gaby and Carlos have to send her to fat camp for her own health. When we rejoin the family five years later, a thinner, happier Juanita is returning from camp, Carlos is getting used to the new robot eyes he has been given to restore his eyesight, and Gaby's company is getting slapped with a recall upon the discovery that her outfits are all highly flammable.

The Delfinos
Susan and Jackson "start over" six or seven more times before she finally agrees to let him move in with her. Unfortunately, by that point the rooms in her house have been painted on 23 separate occasions, and the layers of paint are so thick that the rooms are noticeably smaller. Jackson is happy with the new arrangement until Susan's ex-husband Karl turns back up, looking for a place to stay after his wife kicked him out of the house for cheating on him. Shortly thereafter, Susan's daughter Julie shows up on the doorstep, needing a place to hide out after witnessing shady business dealings at her law firm. Additionally, the ghost of Susan's murdered ex-husband Mike is now haunting the attic, but only MJ can see him at first. As a mutual concern for their daughter causes a flame to rekindle between Susan and Karl, Jackson turns to Julie for reassurance, only to find an intelligent, caring version of Susan who's a lot closer to his age. The two strike up an illicit romance, and decide not to tell Susan. When we rejoin the family five years later, Mike is beginning to make himself known to the family by occasionally fixing the plumbing, and the mob has tracked down Julie to Wisteria Lane, looking to put her on ice.

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