Karl sends Susan roses as an apology for making a huge pass at her at his engagement party to Edie. Disgusted by this latest development, Julie stomps off and Susan is forced to go to the movies alone. When Mike arrives at the movie with a date on his arm, Susan is forced to make Kyle MacLachlan (who, amusingly enough, plays a dentist named "Orson") pretend to be her date so Mike won't get the wrong idea and start thinking that Susan is a modern, adult woman, capable of attending a movie on her own. When Kyle comes by Susan's the next day to return her wallet, which she left at the movies, of course, Susan vomits forth her whole, sordid romantic life story, which ends with the confession that she may still have feelings for Karl. Kyle gives her this sensible advice: clearly Karl is an infant coward without the guts to leave Edie without first getting the green light from Susan. Susan seems to agree with Kyle's assessment, and she tells Karl so. The next day (week? month?), Karl shows up on Susan's stoop, all hangdog with news that he's ended it with Edie. Like an idiot, Susan invites him in for a "bottle of wine," and...cut to the two of them cuddling post-coitally in bed. But then! Karl's phone rings: it's Edie, and she wants him to bring home some "juice." Turns out, Karl didn't break up with Edie after all! Making Susan the Other Woman! In a shrieking rage, Susan kicks Karl out of the house, and Julie -- who is quietly sitting at the table eating macaroni and cheese (with her parents doing it upstairs??) -- rolls her eyes at the inevitability of it all. Felecia takes last week dental menace campaign to the next level: she Criscos up the Young's stoop (which sounds sexy, but mostly just causes CreePaul to slip and crack his head), she swaps the Young's lighter fluid for gasoline (causing CreePaul to lose some arm hair), and then she signs up the Young for a house-wide termite extermination tent. CreePaul finally loses it, takes Felicia by the collar in front of the exterminators and everybody, and Felicia makes to point out the assault to all the witnesses. Lynette gets called down to the school: apparently big P has been playing "Let's Make a Deal" with a classmate, trying to swap gingersnaps for a peek at what's under the girl's pinafore. Lynette tries to talk her son through the birds and the bees, but she's a little vague on some of the details, which leads a still-curious P to proposition Mrs. McCluskey. So Lynette sidesteps the problem by distracting P with...a new puppy. And in other "ill-advised adoption" news: Gabby and Carlos get temporary custody of the stripper's baby, but the baby seems to do this weird crying thing, like in the middle of the night, et cetera? Carlos refuses to get a nanny, so Gabby dumps the kid on Xiao Mei the Money. To "thank" her (i.e., to keep the maid from telling Carlos), Gabby gives Money a gift certificate for a day at the spa. But then, whoops, Gabby forgets about spa day and heads off for lunch with Bree, assuming that Money is home to watch over the baby. When Bree just so happens to mention that she saw Gabby's maid at the spa, Gabby races home, cuddles her totally fine and not-even-crying baby Lily, and decides right then and there that she's going do whatever it takes to be a good mother, even if it means doing yoga with Lily in a sling. Bree (walking hand in hand with Hempy) arrives at court, ready to do battle with Andrew, but surprise! Bree's stepmother and dad (Carol Burnett and Beverly Hills Cop's Lt. Bogomil) are there to meet them. Bree's dad (who is a long-time lawyer) talks to the judge and gets the case postponed with hopes that all three generations can sit down, hash things out, and avoid public scandal. But when the family intervention descends into Bree and Andrew spitting out each other's nice, long, laundry lists of wrongs, Bogomil and wife decide to take Andrew home with them. Justin, who is devastated by the news of Andrew's departure, teams up with Bree, and together they cook up a plan to keep Andrew at home: they plant a box of leather-daddy porn in with Andrew's possessions, and Bree makes sure her parents see it. Fearing the even bigger scandal of a gay grandson, the Bogomils take off, sans Andrew. With eyes pried open by her parents' homophobia, plus a new understanding Justin's love for her son, Bree invites Justin over for dinner and a massive, massive pie, aw. Completely missing in action? Tom, Danielle and the Applewrongs. I guess they all took off for a week at Sandals together.
Before we get started, I want to pause for a moment to introduce a new feature: it's called the Inexplicably Missing In Action Review, and it's a quick rundown of all the characters whom you probably were expecting to see in the episode, especially those whose storylines supposedly lie at the very core of this season's (supposed) big mystery, yet still they are nowhere to be found. This week's IMIAR includes: Danielle, Tom, all three Applewrongs, and (aside from a short, short appearance right at the beginning) Hempy. So you can stop looking around for them in every scene, your eyes, at first, bright with eager expectation, then slowly fading to confusion, to irritation, to disgust. Just my little way of helping you manage your expectations downward.
Okay, everyone with me? Then, let's MAVO. This week she starts out by introducing us to a one Mrs. Pate, played by Amy Hill (who, according to IMDB, has been in every single show ever made, including Andy Richter Controls the Universe). Mrs. Pate is a teacher. She is also a master of manipulation and control, as demonstrated by the ruler she slaps into her palm like a cop with a billy club. MAVO: "As a teacher, she had found that the best way to control unruly students was to instill a strong sense of shame...in their parents." You can almost hear MAVO's eyebrow arching archly. We flashback to Mrs. Pate, browbeating parent after parent, each in turn cringing and wilting under the heated guilt of having raised such inferior stock: one little girl destroyed the class hamster "Patches," one brought in his dad's Nazi memorabilia for show and tell, wow, and another has been beating up kids for their "milk money" (does such a thing really exist anymore, school milk sales?). Back in the now, Mrs. Pate sits down with Lynette. MAVO gushes, "Of course, Mrs. Pate also knew that when it came to unruly children, some parents had more reason to be ashamed...than others." Is this the same singsong that Mary Alice used for her inside voice? If so, there really wasn't much to the mystery of why she blew her brains out. Lynette has been called in for this particular parent-teacher conference because of a very "serious incident": apparently Parker offered "a cookie to Cindy Lou Peeples if she would show him her VAGINA." Now. Before I even take on the VAGINA part, first let me pause to discuss "Cindy Lou Peeples," lest I risk the wrath of the many giddy people who posted on the forums and emailed me directly about the matter. Now hear this: yes, Cindy Lou Peeples is a shout-out to The Golden Girls, specifically the double episode "Home Again Rose," in which the Girls crash a high school reunion, and DoroMaude randomly puts on the nametag for a one "Cindy Lou Peeples," and then she wins the Queen of the Reunion Award, or something. And finally, the reason for the Golden shout-out, assuming a person needs such a thing, is that Marc Cherry got his start writing for the Girls. Okay, with the crazed Golden Girls fans (and they are legion) now sated, back to the Cindy Lou cookie VAGINA incident.
So Mrs. Hate has just revealed to Lynette that Porter was trying to use a cookie to pave his way to some VAGINA ("VAGINA" being a word that is always, always funny...except, of course, in monologue form). Lynette pauses painfully for six or seven beats, and then she says, "What kind of cookie?" Ha! Mrs. Hate, all confused, asks what the brand of cookie has to do with Parker's VAGINA obsession. Lynette: "Oh, it doesn't. I'm just stalling." And yet...it totally matters! What if it were one of those hateful office-gift shortbread cookies that are shaped like a pretzel? I wouldn't even turn around for one of those, let alone flash my VAGINA. Lynette tells Mrs. Hate how "completely mortified" she is. Mrs. Hate explains that it didn't actually progress as far as it could, because the "janitor walked in on them just as Cindy was lifting up her pinafore." Oh. It must have been the right kind of cookie. Mrs. Hate mentions how "obsessive" P can be, and Lynette eagerly agrees, and cites his once-deep love for dinosaurs. Mrs. Hate: "Oh yes, we all remember his Dinosaur phase, now more fondly than ever." Ha ha! Mrs. Hate sternly lectures Lynette about how she, as a mother, has to sternly lecture P about what's "appropriate." Lynette nods and shuffles and embarrassingly scuttles wee, wee, wee, all the way home. MAVO says something piquant about the power of shame, and then we flash forward to Mrs. Pate, telling a "Mrs. Peeples" that she'll "never guess what [her] daughter is willing to do for a gingersnap." Oh yeah, Gingersnaps are pretty good. I've done more for less.