From the trial that never was, we cut over to Gabby, Carlos, and their gigantic infant, who are having their day in court. (Did anybody see the original Danish mini-series The Kingdom, where one of the signs that the baby belonged to Satan was that it was far too large to be a human baby? Just a thought, you know, maybe stick a sticky on that!) TG Sleazy is doing their lawyering, trying to explain that when Gabby and Carlos did indeed steal the baby from the hospital, they were only doing so because they wanted to get the baby out of the way of all that harmful white trash. Judge Grimshaw, stripping away all the fancy talk: "You mean they kidnapped her." TG Sleazy, smiling ingratiatingly, admits that the Solises' plan was "a little bit rash" and "not entirely well thought out..." Judge, interrupting: "Idiotic?" Gabby whisper-asks Carlos whether they can't object to that, and Carlos shushes her. Sleazy finishes up his sleazing with an impassioned plea about how, all kidnapping aside, the Solises simply want to keep hugging and loving on baby "Lily." Judge, with low-key sarcasm: "As much as your story tugs at my heart, there is the issue of parental rights." On behalf of the State, a mousy lawyer stands and states that they have, in fact, managed to track down the bio-father; unfortunately he's out of town, in Fort Lauderdale. Judge: "On business?" Mousy state lawyer: "Spring Break, actually." Apparently, Lily's natural father is still in high school. Judge: "Charming. In between keg stands, did the father happen to mention if he plans to waive parental rights?' Turns out bio-dad sent a "text message" to the lawyer, which is hilarious. The lawyer paraphrases party-daddy's message to the courtroom: "This blows his mind and he's extremely 'bummed out.'" The judge shakes his head and sighs, and reluctantly awards temporary custody to the Solises (whom he describes as the "lesser of two evils"), but only until they can "get a straight answer out of the birth father." In the meantime, the judge warns Gabby and Carlos to please not kidnap any more babies. Gabby, brightly: "Oh, we just needed the one!" The judge fires a look at her over his spectacles, and Gabby smiles nervously. Yeah, pretty idiotic.
And now for the Great Gingersnatch Confrontation. Lynette sits down next to Parker, who's busy coloring at the coffee table. For some clearly non-accidental reason, Lynette is working on a full glass of wine in this scene. And while, granted, maybe she needs a little Dutch courage to see her through the big vagina talk, it is a little weird in light of all the brouhaha over Bree drinking while baby-sitting the Scavo Ps. Lynette tells Parker that she knows about the Cindy Lou "cookie deal," and the little Cookie Monster looks fantastically guilty. He cringingly asks whether Lynette's mad. Lynette laughs; no, she's not mad, she just wants to know why he..."did that." Parker whines that some kid named Tommy at school told him that "babies come from there," which he feels "doesn't sound right." Lynette reluctantly admits that the general concept is pretty right on. Parker, kind of grossed out: "That's weird. How's a BABY get in there?" And I must confess, I'm thirty-five and I still find the whole VAGINA-to-baby ratio fantastically clown car-ish (especially the Gabloses' new gigantica baby). Lynette takes a big breath, like maybe she's going to do some real parenting here, but then, with her sloshing wine-glass hand, she points at Parker, and tells him to hold his Qs until daddy Tom makes his way home from his business trip. Parker agrees without protest, and Lynette takes a swig of wine. But then, after Parker colors a bit, he has a brainstorm: "OR...I could ask Tommy's brother: he's fourteen, and he knows everything." Since when did Parker start looking like Alfred E. Neuman? Is that a side effect of the VAGINA obsession? Lynette stares at him in horror for a few seconds.