Desperate Housewives
Don't Look At Me

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Don't Look At Me

At the movies, Susan has lined herself up with a huge barrel of popcorn and a silo of soda. When who walks in? Mike, on a date with some blonde woman. Susan desperately tries to hide behind her popcorn, but when she hears Mike's date send him back to get napkins, Susan leaps from her seat, and scuttles over to Kyle MacLachlan (yes, from Twin Peaks, but also, and far more importantly, The Hidden!), who's sitting alone three seats away. Susan to Kyle: "My ex-boyfriend's here, if he sees me alone, I'll die. Please act like you know me!" Because nothing makes you want to die more than demonstrating that you are mature and secure enough to sit alone in the movies. You know what would make me want to die? Having to ask a stranger to pretend to by my boyfriend. Susan is an idiot. Unfortunately, Kyle goes along with the ruse, and when Susan pathetically tries to introduce Mike to her "date," Kyle jumps into action and introduces himself; his name, semi-hilariously enough, is Orson. Then, taking his role very seriously, he pushes it one step further and adds, "Wow, I can't believe I'm finally seeing the man himself, in the flesh." Mike catches Susan looking confused, and he bemusedly asks Orson how he and Susan met. And Orson jumps right in: "I've been her dentist for years, but last week, I was looking in her mouth, and I decided to stick my tongue in it." Susan laughs a startled laugh, like maybe she suspects (as I very much do) that she might have joined forces with a nutjob on this little caper. And really, wouldn't it be kind of satisfying if, this time, Susan's favorite trick of throwing herself at the mercy of some random guy backfired, and she found herself embroiled with a fantastically evil dentist? And then she finally, finally learned that sometimes a lady is much better off alone? Especially after the dark dentist had replaced all that lady's teeth with, say, a full set of canine canines? You guys have my back on this one, right? Mike leaves, and Susan gratefully thanks Orson, and they exchange some witty banter until his actual date arrives, oops. Susan mutters something about how she's just going to "wait till the lights go down, then [leave]." I wonder what Mike's going to think when the lights come back up, and Orson the dentist is sitting there with another woman? Great plan, Susan. Dog teeth! The woman needs a set of dog teeth, stat.

CreePaul is out in front of his house, stoking up the barbecue. He squirts on some lighter fluid, clicks his little kitchen lighter, and an INFERNO erupts, nearly knocking CreePaul off his feet. Apparently "someone" has replaced his lighter fluid with gasoline. Felicia, who's conveniently out in front of her house, raking leaves (she is now dedicating herself to tormenting the Youngs 24/7, I guess), smiles hugely at Zana and CreePaul, and waves. "Somethin' smells good over there," she yells, and then laughs at her own creepiness. Zana doesn't get it; is Felicia trying to kill CreePaul? "No," CreePaul says, "she's trying to piss me off." But CreePaul isn't going to let Felicia get his goat. "Got plenty of burgers if you want to pop over," he yells across to her, "and bring your appetite!" Felicia smiles, and rakes, and smiles like the vortex of insanity that she truly is. Huh, I know that they're sworn enemies, and CreePaul killed Felicia's sister and everything, but maybe they should bury the hatchet, together, in bed?

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Desperate Housewives




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