Desperate Housewives

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Grace Is Gone & The Bears Are Coming

Previously: Stranglers, drug addicts, stabbings, kidnappers, plane crashes, tornados, hostages, basements, killer moms, killer dads, eco-terrorists. Currently: Paul Young playing a game of spoooooky Monoooooopoly.

But before you say this show has lost its touch, let's remember what's important: Red Scare paranoia, hate, and scapegoating everyone around you so you don't ever have to look at how horrible you are all by yourself: "We know what they look like, we know how they dress, and we know how they behave. Yes, we can all recognize the Wrong Kind Of People."

What they look like: Well, at least they're white. I mean, they kind of have to be -- which in turn makes the question moot -- but what they look like is Sons Of Anarchy. How they dress: Same. Mary Alice does not approve of their clothing, but then it's hard to dress an ex-con from the sale rack at Chico's. How they behave: They spit on the sidewalk. As if McCluskey doesn't do that.

"And when we see them coming, we do what we have to [do] to protect ourselves."

It would be different if Mary Alice were wrong. One of Lynette's ginger spawn will make a half-assed attempt at pointing out the blatant hypocrisy here, but it'll be for show. What's important is that your dumber conservatives have realized racism is bad, but they still don't quite understand why. So they know they're supposed to get offended when you call them out on their racism, but feel like it's because being called a racist is what's offensive. ("Everybody's so tolerant until it comes to my hateful beliefs!")

And you can have a show like this, which has graduated from having a Mexican-American tell wetback jokes for the last three weeks to this story, which is kind of like what stupid people thought True Blood was going to be like: Instead of hating queers and Jews and blacks out loud, we'll just use a population nobody could ever take up for as a stand-in for all of them. We'll stack the deck in such a retarded, ridiculous way -- it's a takeover, they're ungentrifying, it's a revenge plot -- that the whole neighborhood rioting out of basic hatefulness actually makes sense. Especially once you add Hydrangea Circle into there, which is just another excuse out of nowhere.

If there were such a thing as "the Wrong Kind Of People" -- which there are -- and if you could tell just by looking at them -- which you can -- and they are going to get aggressive -- which, oh, they will -- then you have every right to take steps to preserve your area. What confuses me about this is: Why tell this story? What is at the bottom of this story? What are we being sold? Of course y'all don't understand that the hate itself is the problem. If only Jesus had thought to mention that, while raging against the estate tax and the existence of an independent Palestine and making sure that we understood extending tax cuts for the top 2% of the wealthy in America while denying basic health care to everybody else was really important to him. The Wrong Kind Of People live on Wisteria Lane, and that's where The Rest Of Us want them to stay.

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Desperate Housewives

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