Desperate Housewives

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Grace Is Gone & The Bears Are Coming

Gabby tries to mealymouth her way through it, all, "You're the most important thing in the world to me!" and other likes like this. So Juanita finally... Throws her across the room. It's brilliant. Not only because of how satisfying it is and how nasty Gabrielle has gotten, but also this secret hope that she'll knock something loose in her mom's head, and she'll turn back awesome again. But either way, do it again.

One or more of the twins are dressed like gay drama students, I don't know if I mentioned that. Without the mustache, and the amount I have to drink to watch this shit, I just assume I'm seeing double. So fine, the riot starts. I mean, it all happens really slow and boring and there's lots of unnecessary dialogue, so it never actually starts, but it's a midseason finale and we have to act like all kinds of shit is coming to a head.

One of the gay ones goes, "If I ever get my hands on Paul Young, I will kill him!" And there's another Chekhov shot of their gay gun, and whatever. Either they think we're stupider than we think they do, or we actually are stupider than they even give us credit for. I just keep rewinding to Juanita knocking her mom on her ass. I really don't need more than that. So there's the speech happening, the Mayor getting nervous, Bob looking gorgeous, Lee's clothes have improved somewhat, Renee comes out into the burgeoning riot to yell at Susan about the Tom bullshit and Susan continues to act like she's the good guy here and that she knows what's best for Renee.

Susan runs off into the crowd and Renee follows, just as Keith arrives looking hot/poor and starts a big fight with his dad for the attempted rape of his girlfriend, and the Hydrangea Underground is itching for a fight so they assume (correctly) that Keith is an ex-con, the gay ones are fighting about gay things with Juanita stowed away in their car, um, Bree runs out into the yard while Keith is fighting five Hydrangeas, gets tossed through the air, and Brent the Commander of the HOA Army throws organic fruit at the Mayor.

Just when everybody is sort of chilling, Bree runs out into her yard and fires a gun for no reason. This is why the riot starts. So they all turn into zombies and move really slow and crushingly, just like with the band fire that time: There's like one wide shot of the crowd smashing through a white picket fence -- Symbolism! Just kidding, this show is a tale told by an idiot and nothing signifies anything -- that probably cost all the insurance money they had, so the whole "riot" is actually these cunningly tight shots of like five people jostling each other, intercut over and over, while nothing much else happens.

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Desperate Housewives

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