Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Grace Is Gone & The Bears Are Coming

Eventually Susan is carried off by the slow-moving crowd, so Renee tries to save her by yelling "Don't get carried off!" It doesn't help -- Susan goes down and gets kicked to death. Gabrielle and Carlos try to find Juanita for awhile, but eventually Gabby gets bored and climbs under a car to wait it out, hoping that Juanita's size and density will make her a smasher and not a smashee. There are some lines from the speech that are repeated more than once during the early parts of the riot that might be suggesting that we're moving back and forth through time in order to make these boring things seem even more simultaneous, but come on.

Lynette picks up McCluskey off the street while the Hydrangeans just take to looting: I don't care enough to check, but they're either destroying the halfway house, Paul's house, or a random house. I hope all of them. I love Hydrangea Circle for being big sexy gay bruisers, and I love them for finding their kicks where they may, but I would love them so much more if they just burned Wisteria Lane to ashes and salted the earth so that nothing idiotic or offensive could ever grow there again. "We lost control and burned the motherfucker down!" Oh, that's okay, last year it was a tornado or a school shooting or something, and next year it's going to be an actual zombie attack. 'Gay bear riot' was the logical intermediate step.

Lynette takes time out of her busy schedule of scapegoating and fomenting suburban violence to scream at Lee about how this is all his fault, and then Paul for the same thing, just as they Mayor is screaming, "Love thy neighbor!" and handing Paul his literal medal, as if the riot is not happening at all, and then Mitzi incites the crowd to murder Bob and Lee. Which is to be expected, on this show, but it's a problem because Juanita is in the car. So then everybody runs around saving everybody for a good long while. Susan's politely asking people not to trample her -- "I forgot my Boniva today! All I am is bones! -- but they don't listen, and she's down. Meaning the body count right now is: Three housewives, four if you count McCluskey, literally getting thrown through the air.

The people are shoving the gay car back and forth and eventually smash the windows, while Renee climbs up on something to scream about Susan, and Tom comes over to yell at her for standing on something, but Susan is still getting pulverized, and suddenly Lynette is like, "All I did was rub this lamp! Stop granting wishes!" They pull the kid out of the car and leave the gays to die, and the whole time Paul's like, "This is great! I knew you guys were assholes and now look at you: Assholes! I am right!" Once again Lynette thinks about this for a second and then goes right back to being an asshole. And the rioters continue to meander.

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Desperate Housewives




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