Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Grace Is Gone & The Bears Are Coming

Finally, Lynette decides she's had enough and, just as they're preparing to put Lee's head on a spike, she screams loud enough that the entire riot stops: "HE'S MY NEIGHBOR!" And I guess that makes up for the bullshit she's been doing all episode, because Lee thanks her for saving him from the riot, even though it's still going on all around them. Ditto Gabrielle, who once again lies to Juanita that she gives a shit about her, so they're good. I guess that means everything's fine, since we've wrapped up all of our trumped-up nonsensical plotlines, and Lynette once again watches in slow motion as everybody takes off, having done minimal damage. Probably for the afterparty brunch at Hydrangea Circle, where Brent has prepared his special mimosas/mojitos/whatever gay thing. Talk about lessons learned; watch some Housewives.

Sometime before sunrise the next day, Paul steps out into the pile of well-meaning wreckage that was once Wisteria Lane and pulls out his list of nefarious things, which is now complete. 1) Get out of jail. 2) Buy seven houses. 3) Build a halfway house. 4) [Lynette and Hydrangea Circle do something stupid that he could not have predicted.] 5) Big "riot." 6) Smirk, having spent eleven episodes on an incredibly complex plan that makes the big Alfre Woodard Jumps The Shark Black Boys In Basements story look well-thought-out and relatively inoffensive.

Then he gets shot, by someone who is clearly not the gay one we've been told all episode would shoot him, and his dead wife smarms, "The silence was broken by something the neighbors would later say sounded like a gunshot. But Paul knew it was the sound of revenge!"

Next time on The Wrong Kind Of People: Everybody recovers from the minimal damage of something that should never have happened and in fact only happened because everybody behaved as terribly as possible, because have you met these people? Paul simmers in a pool of his own blood, and his last thought before whiting out is, "...Wait, what was the point of any of this?" Nobody can tell him, but then nobody wants to, because he is the Wrong Kind Of People.

Susan ruins Lynette's life even more obnoxiously than usual, but gets away with it because she is a hollow monster full of diseases. Renee finds a reason to stay on Wisteria Lane so she can stand around saying terrible, unrealistic shit forever, but somehow ends up being the bad guy. Bree finds some new way to get horrible men shitting all over her life, and Orson comes back in a wheelchair. So I guess I'm going to have to figure out who the hell Orson is. (Maybe his mom will kill more people? Is that Orson? Am I thinking of the right guy?)

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Desperate Housewives




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