Desperate Housewives

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Grace Is Gone & The Bears Are Coming

"But first: A young man in love had plans to make some noise of his own." The young man in question is Keith, who is 34 on the show and 37 in real life. So basically just an aimless loser -- and ex-con! -- who decides it will be cool and not at all weird or lame to kneel in front of Bree's house from sunrise to when she comes out to get the paper. And that somehow this is her fault, so that when she doesn't immediately agree to his proposal of marriage he gets to grimace and whine and be like, "I'm getting up, fuck this."

Keith borrows some of Bree's tripped-out surreal methed-up bullshit ("Maybe I can use this as a tiny napkin ring!") that makes no sense at all, and then reverses expectations by instead "proposing" that Keith move out of his fratboy pad with the hot chick roommate and into Bree's mansion with her. Yeah, I don't see him getting emasculated and freaking out about that at all -- especially after him being shamed at the restaurant and again just now. I mean, if this were that show Desperate Housewives, you'd be talking about at least a ten-minute... Oh, right.

The ladies bother everybody, and then go back to the begging and bother everybody again, and we catch up with them on round three of bothering everybody. God, they're annoying. Paul thinks it's cute, but at this point you would think Paul would have noticed that nobody else on Wisteria Lane really cares about what those bitches get up to. They're constantly having these huge nightmarish problems and the only time anybody else notices is when they get caught in the crossfire. So the idea of using everybody on Wisteria Lane against these four terrible women, well, we'll just posit the idea of this being a community and pretend anybody cares about anybody else.

Oh, Andrew. I miss Andrew. He got married, put on a shirt identical to Paul's, and now we never hear from him. But he's had it with Lynette's bullshit: "For the third time, no. I'm not gonna sell my house to Paul Young." Lynette apologizes -- "I just had to make sure" -- in a totally fake way, because you know her ass is going to come zooming back around to him in an hour, and Andrew's like: "Do you really think that I would let dangerous ex-cons move in next to my own mother?"

Yes. Yes I do. Also, a dangerous ex-con was just invited to live with your own mother by your own mother. This show is so stupid. Lynette reminds us that Andrew was evil before, but he's "all grown up now and so very nice," you know, except for the last time we saw him, when he was evil about his half-brother. And the time before that. And the time before that.

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Desperate Housewives

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