Desperate Housewives

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Grace Is Gone & The Bears Are Coming

Brent Ferguson, President of the Hydrangea Circle Homeowners Association, comes walking up. Is he from Eureka? Is that where he's from? Anyway, he's pretty tall and pretty built and pretty gay, from what I can tell. Maybe that's how Hydrangea Circle rolls. Maybe the wussy/crazy nature of homosexuals on Wisteria Lane isn't just about awful stereotypes but a coincidence, and all the normal gay people are on Hydrangea Circle. Like there are normal people anywhere in Fairview.

"Last year we had a similar scare on our street. Some old hippie wanted to open up a drug rehab center on our block!" Yeah, and then they beat the shit out of him. "He made the mistake of mouthing off to one of my neighbors who's an ex-Green Beret, newspaper made it sound way worse than it was... You say the word, and I will have the Homeowners Associations of ten different streets here to back you folks up. Whoever's trying to open up this halfway house, we could really scare the hell out of them!"

...So no, the gays on Hydrangea Circle are pretty much the same. Just paramilitary. Got it.

Remember how Susan couldn't remember what a phone looked like so she had to borrow Lynette's and Lynette pretended that long-distance charges still existed? Yeah, so Susan gets on the Skype with old Mike Delfino, who pretty much starts jerking off immediately because his choices of lady up in Alaska are moose and snowmen-ladies. But Susan is waaaay too classy for that kind of thing, don't you know, and besides, all she really wants to do is talk about how Renee drunkenly admitted to being in love with Tom Scavo, her employer and sometime-friend Lynette's husband. (I know you know who he is, I just wanted to point out how very many people in this scenario are not Susan versus how many of the people in this scenario are Susan, because the answer is three to zero.)

Mike doesn't care about any of this. You know who also doesn't care about any of this? Anybody with anything else going on. Susan not only wants to involve herself in Tom and Lynette's marriage (just like last week) but in Renee's relationship with Lynette (just like last week when she decided to be BFF with Renee for no damned reason) but also in Lynette's business (just like the week before last). You know who Susan needs to be working on? Susan. Specifically her idea of herself as a good person. It leads her down so many treacherous paths.

Gabrielle's sitting around upstairs crying, and as usual Juanita nails it on the first try -- "You've been having a lot of sad days. Is it because Grace left?" -- so of course Gabrielle screams at her to stop playing with her jewelry and get out of her bedroom and lose some weight and stop looking so Mexican and stay out of her room forever and turn into Grace or else just go die. Juanita's like, "I liked you better when you were crying."

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Desperate Housewives

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