Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Grace Is Gone & The Bears Are Coming

So while Lynette harasses Mitzi's voicemail, Gabrielle comes to her house to whine about Grace. "I gotta bunch of phone calls to make, can't you talk to Susan or Bree?" No, they're the absolute worst. Why does it have to be Lynette? "You're the only woman I know who's lost a child." EXCEPT FOR YOU, GABRIELLE: MACHETE GUY, WITH THE BALLOONS. Back when you were an actual character, and this show gave even a single goddamn.

Anyway, since Gabrielle's had a miscarriage before and this wasn't one, she goes to see Lynette about her miscarriage because only Lynette will understand the heartbreak of using ICE to kidnap a child and then losing her anyway. Lynette suggests she write Grace a letter, unsent, and get all those feelings out. Which is a very, very good idea. Except Lynette forgets to tell her, "Don't leave it lying around face-up in public, where your real daughter will most certainly see it, while trying to help Carlos find his keys or the meatloaf or whatever lazy thing." Sooo... That's what Gabby does. And if there's a God, this will be where Juanita finally just takes her mom's ass out.

Schneider sabotages the moving-in plan of Bree and Keith with much subtlety. He goes, "I am going to sabotage that plan, okay? I'm going to count to three and then do it. First I'm going to harass you about failing your proposal every time, then undermine her feelings for you, and wrap up with some condescending bullshit about how if I'm wrong, you can invite me to the wedding." It's really bad, this part. But at least it gets Keith to consider the fact that Bree is slumming, and a pretty terrible person, long enough for him to... Pack up all his shit, take it to her house, unpack half of it, and then abruptly start screeching and throwing things and then leave again. Daddy's like a time bomb! In his mind!

Lynette is so obsessed with this lunatic idea she has that Mitzi has sold and run off -- about which Paul has needled her not once, and which is still only in her mind -- that she's started yelling about murdering Mitzi. "She better be on the run! Not that it'll do any good. I'll still hunt her down and kill her!" God, Lynette is tiresome sometimes. This show is just... Okay, so the guy is buying up all the houses, gentrifying against their will, so you get the small-town USA people with that. But then he's using that to leverage an HOA vote to start a halfway house and ruin the neighborhood, so you get the hateful people with that: People who are rich and mean, and people who are mean and wish they were rich. And that's everybody, in terms of the demographic that watches this shitty show. But it took half the season to get there, just Byzantine complexities to all of this, Susan renting her house to him and all that, and for what?

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Desperate Housewives




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