Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Grace Is Gone & The Bears Are Coming

So Lynette's waiting on Mitzi for twenty minutes -- just in case she still has a vote? -- but Paul finally calls the attention of the HOA to a side matter: The Mayor of Fairview is coming soon, to present Paul with an award for outstanding public service. Nobody understands what he's talking about, of course, because like these assholes can even spell "public service," and of course they don't see what he's doing as community service. Nice rimshot off McCluskey -- "I love your sense of humor, Mrs. McCluskey. How we'll all miss it after you're gone" -- and then Carlos backs him back up to the public service thing. Because of course he's talking about the halfway house. Because of course he's building it, because of course he has the votes, because of course somebody sold him their house. And of course it was Lee, because he is a moron.

So once the gay ones sell their house -- apparently, by signing a piece of paper that says "We sell our house" -- they head off down the street so that Mitzi can call them fags and explain that Paul got her out of town for the night by some ruse that makes no sense and now she's back to drive home the point that Lee deserves his upcoming gay-bashing for selling the house, and Bob sort of agrees, too, and it's obnoxious. Wrong Kind Of People. Then the entire mob of the HOA comes running at him down the middle of the street, and guess who's leading it?

Next day, who is hanging out but Tom, Renee and Susan. You know, the Three Musketeers that are constantly spending time together without Lynette. Renee leaves to hop in the shower and tells Tom that -- since she is afraid of both children and ex-cons -- she'll leave a key for him to come install a deadbolt. Tom, handy with tools. Competent at things. So Renee runs off and Susan starts yelling at Tom for installing her deadbolt when there is a shower in Renee's house. Or some shit, I didn't really follow it. The important this is that Susan has decided she's in an impossible situation, because on the one hand none of this is her goddamn business but on the other hand, she's an absolute dicknail.

Tom begs Susan not to tell Lynette about how he hooked up with Renee 20 years ago, or that Renee is in love with him -- which he doesn't really believe, because he knows damn well nobody could ever love him -- which is just exactly like saying "Hey Susan, could you tell Lynette those things?"

Bree makes space for Keith's socks and the "cute little boxer-briefs" he likes to wear -- those 37-year-old men and their adorable underwear, I tell you -- and has some kind of a frozen-faced spasm about "Bree van de Kamp, living in sin!" and then randomly Keith goes, "Hey, put this engagement ring on, okay?" Like he's going to sneak that shit past her. The way men treat Bree makes me hate Bree. If it were anybody else I would want her to stand up for herself, but it's even more of a bloodbath when she does that. Fool me once, shame on feminism. Fool me every single time you date, and that's a shame on you.

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Desperate Housewives




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