Desperate Housewives

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Grace Is Gone & The Bears Are Coming

So Bree reminds him that they literally just fucking talked about this, and he goes, "I'm not trying to rush you, but I need a bigger commitment than just the top couple drawers in your bureau." Okay, because why are you here putting things in drawers then? "I don't wanna wake up one day and find out that I was just some diversion that, uh, you needed to amuse yourself while getting through your divorce." Oh yeah? Because fuck you and get out of my house, you little pipsqueak. That's the most offensive thing anyone has ever said to me, and I used to hang with Katharine Mayfair.

Well, which is essentially what Bree says, translated into van de Kamp: "If you really think I feel that way, then why are you even here?" But instead of realizing how he totally just crossed it and is making no sense whatsoever -- since that would be to admit how poorly this episode is written -- he sticks with it: "I'm starting to wonder that myself! I think US is a mistake!" Then he runs off into the night, pissing his pants and looking for a quarter to play videogames with. And Bree dusts off her hands, tosses his boxer-briefs in the yard, and gets back on match.com to find her a man who acts more like a grown-ass man and less like Dennis the Menace all the time.

"I wish we had been nicer to Paul," says Lynette, which is a very good point. You were bitches to him for no reason whatsoever, and now you are paying for it. I would say once Mike abducted him and took him out to the desert, and once Susan started mailing his kid all over the place, you could just say bygones and see what he has to offer. It's not like he was born creepy, like the Mystery Person every year who never has a leg to stand on: He was just a normal hot guy, married to a complicated and pretty awful lady, who was forced to cut up bodies and kill old ladies and watch his son turn into a serial killer and eventually became creepy. It's not like anybody actually liked Huber, or Felicia Tillman. You just liked them better than Paul, because you are all bullies.

"I wish we had stood by him when he was on trial. I think about what he must have gone through in prison, and I understand his rage," Lynette says. "I do. But..." Aaaaand we lost her. Because she's saying all of this to the paramilitary leaders of the Hydrangea Faction.

I mean, I like the idea that there are a few sides to this story beyond the simplified hateful childish one we're meant to take away from it, and that we are tossing them little metaphorical bones, but even then the writing is confusing because it's all Lynette. She's arguing with herself. The whole time!

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Desperate Housewives

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