Edie is in heat re: not having sex in three whole weeks, and she decides to present her enflamed parts in Carlos's direction. Carlos tries to escape her vaginal tractor beam by claiming that he's looking for a nice lady to settle down with, not some flighty party girl like Edie. Edie convinces him that she's all woman by showing him her C-section scar and her sagging fortysomething breasts, and Carlos seems to like what he sees. (Yes, they totally do it.) Somewhere between setting her future mother-in-law on fire and dousing her in red wine, triple klutz Susan manages to let slip a joke about how she grabbed all of Karl's "assets" in their divorce. Singed and stained Mamma Hainsworth pushes Ian to protect himself from Karl's fate with a pre-nup, but Susan blackmails Father Hainsworth, whom she busts trying on her underwear, into tearing up said pre-nup. Lynette manufactures some fantastically lame battle with Tom over the slightly unattractive hue of the new Scavoria uniforms (huh?) and walks off the job, only to return later that night to discover Tom collapsed behind the bar. Lynette, sure Tom is dying, pulls one of her vein-swelling freakouts, but it turns out he's only ruptured a disc, an injury that's supposedly going to keep Tom out of the pizza business for the next five months. Lynette, that plucky martyr, dons her orange Scavoria tee â the (pizza) dough must go on! Mike is plagued with melancholy flashbacks of a movie he once saw, and his memory therapist advises him to ask Susan to help him identify the film. Susan sadly informs him that his mental romcom starred none other than Susan and Mike, specifically the "morning after the first time together pancake scene" that they shared together back in happier, Season 1 days. This breakthrough leaves Mike feeling so forlorn that he quits therapy, determined not to let any more unrequite-able Susan memories surface. Gabby's water heater explodes, somehow ruining all her clothes, so she steals a fancy dress from the closet of the ex-wife of her new male interest (the salt-and-pepper politico from Sex And The City). Of course, S&P's ex shows up at the same event as Gabby and the dress. The fur flies and â surprise! â Gabby ends up stripped down to her bra and underwear. Later, S&P confesses that his wife got all those nice dresses in exchange for him treating her like a mistress and never being there for her or something. Gabby is so impressed with his honesty and incredible real-ness that she agrees to go out with him again, and he celebrates by buying her a new dress. Gold-digger Gabby is thrilled, even though he just got done telling her how expensive dresses are what he gives in lieu of actual love, yay?
Want more? The full recap starts right below!
How long has it been since last we spoke -- a whole month? (Oh my god, hi!) So long that maybe you forgot that Tom's back goes out whenever he's under the weight of any responsibility whatsoever? Or everything else that happened just in the last episode: Gabby is semi-reluctantly dating the Salt and Peppered politico from Sex And The City, and Edie's Snuffleupagus son finally made an appearance. Oh, and also Susan and Ian are still engaged, despite their complete lack of chemistry and the fact that Fate clearly still has plans for Susan and Mike.
After kinder-talking us through the Previouslies, Mary Alice gets the party started right by assuring us that the accident-afflicted Susan we know and love to hate is still alive and tripping. And Ian's got the bruises to show for it, HEY! Exhibit A: Susan manages to stab Ian with a thorny rose as they stand out in front of her house, waiting for his parents to arrive. Ian absently rubs his bleeding neck wound, and MAVO tells us, "If there was one thing Ian Hainsworth was sure of, it was that his love for Susan Mayer was indestructible. He knew this because it had been tested again, and again, and again." With each "again," we get a flashback: Susan jumping into Ian's arms with such violence that he collapses to the ground ass over high-teakettle, Susan rolling over in bed and slapping him in the face, Susan popping him right in the eye with the flying cork from a bottle of champagne.
Back in the now, a town car pulls up in front of Ian and Susan (the latter grinning and hopping up and down frenetically like a mentally deficient jack-in-the-box in need of urinary relief), and out step Ian's ultra-toffee-nosed parents (Mother Hainsworth being played by the one/only Lynn Redgrave, she of Weight Watchers and $100,000 Pyramid fame). Susan goes to hand the thorn-studded rose to Ian's mother, and Ian dives in like there's a grenade about to go off, shouting for his mother to be careful of the thorns. Lynn Redgrave rolls her eyes and dulcetly chastises Ian: she's heard the Poison anthem and knows all about the hazards of roses, thank you very much. After an awkward moment, Ian invites the 'rents inside for some lunch.
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