Desperate Housewives
Dress Big

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It's Getting Hot In Herre

Gabby hands over all the stolen dresses to Victor, who shakes his head scoldingly. Gabby: "Stop judging me; I was hopped up on couture." Victor hang-doggedly tells her that the Ex called in a lawyer over the whole affair, and Gabby, outraged, calls the Ex a "bitch," which Victor does not like, no he doesn't! His Ex was a good woman, and he drove her into the arms of couture by callously treating her like a beck-and-call girl! "I didn't marry an angry woman," he greeting-cards, "I just divorced one." Gabby up and decides that she likes this repentant "clueless, emotionally stunted workaholic" version of Victor tons more than the cocky asshole version. Wow, this is like a fairy tale. A fairy tale between two not-really-all-that-likable characters with shape-shifting motivations that revert or shift to meet the ever-fluctuating whims of the of their ogre script-writing masters. I sure hope it has a happy ending!

Susan, Ian, and his parents sit down for some pre-nupping. Susan makes one last attempt to talk them out of it, but when Lynn Redgrave urges her to sign "all three copies," Susan starts dropping some blackmail-ish double entendres in Daddy's direction, about how, once she's married to Ian, she'll be telling him everything, there'll be nothing that she'll need to "skirt," nothing that she won't "ad...dresss," etc. Eventually Daddy cracks and goes to town ripping up the pre-nup. Lynn Redgrave does some British tutting and sputtering, but Daddy hushes her by saying that, clearly, Susan's willingness to sign indicates that "she can be trusted." Though clearly not; that was actually pretty underhanded on Susan's part, and kind of pointless. The damage -- Ian actually asking her to sign the thing -- was already done, so she really didn't gain anything by not signing. Unless he really is planning to take Ian for half a castle? Does anyone remember why these two are together anymore, like at all?

Edie comes home and discovers a huge bouquet of apology flowers from Carlos sitting on her doorstep. Smiling, she heads on over to his place (and Mike's!) to thank him in person. After some friendly joking about Travers, who is currently safe and sound at a friend's house -- no, Edie did not leave him at home alone "with a six-pack and some matches" -- Carlos tries to apologize again for what he said, but she stops him, saying he totally "nailed" her: "Maybe not the way that I wanted you to, but..." Edie confesses that she's tired of being a "forty-year-old party girl," and to prove how serious she is about being serious, she...strips off all her clothes! It's actually kind of an emotional scene -- with each piece of clothing she takes off, she points out what, exactly, it was hiding and how real a woman it makes her: her drawers hide her C-section scar, her bra "holds [her] breasts a little higher than they are on their own these days" (ha, I'm so sure; whatever Nicollette's hoisting around these days is still riding higher than the junk of half the twenty-year-olds out there). Once she's stark raving naked, she says, "This is it! Hi Carlos, I'm Edie. I might not be the woman you thought I was under all of that, but I'm real, and I'm here, and I'm asking for a chance." Does that sound cringy to you? Especially that "Hi Carlos, I'm Edie" part? Well, rest assured it's about four times cringier in the flesh. That said, Nicollette does do a pretty good job with it, though it feels very much like a Scene From An Acting Class (so good for the reel!). Nonetheless, Carlos envelops her in a big man hug and starts stroking her hair. (They're totally going to do it! And by "do it," I mean "play hide the penis in the vagina") Hmm. Edie sure sounded sincere, and what I saw of her nakedness sure looked sincere, but I can't quite shake the idea that, for a woman who was eyeing her sixty-something gardener within the past Earth week, Edie's downshifted into Relationship-Getting Mode awfully fast. Edie is a man-getting machine, right? So maybe this soul-baring, and crazy cooter-baring, scene was just another feature of her ensnaring software. Also, what about Edie swooping in on Gabby's ex-husband (usually a no-no among friends)? I guess I wouldn't put that past Edie, either. But going for a guy who's also the roommate of the man she supposedly loved (Mike) but then dropped like a hot tomato the second he ran into legal troubles? That's a lot of uncomfortable for one hookup. Just imagine Mike's surprise if he strolled into his living room at just this moment. Actually, never mind: his expression probably wouldn't even shift from its default fave: Rocky Constipation (also a new flavor from Ben and Jerry's!).

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Desperate Housewives

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