Desperate Housewives
Dress Big

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It's Getting Hot In Herre

Outside, Gabby and Edie unload a bunch of shopping bags from Gabby's car as Gabby gives Edie heat for buying "another bustier." Edie: "I know, I should never shop for lingerie when I'm horny; it's like buying groceries when you're hungry." (Shopping with Edie and Gabby? Why were we wasting screen time on Susan and her weird cheerleading outfit when we could have been watching that wine-soaked soft-core credit-card-a-thon?) Edie confesses that it's been a whole "three weeks" since she's had any spelunkers in her love cave (by which of course I mean sexual intercourse). And I think I may know why the men have been keeping away: Edie is wearing possibly the world's most hideous outfit in this scene, a billowing white paramilitary three-button blazer thing with lonnnnng tails, paired with? White short shorts, with CARGO POCKETS. If she's been going out in public this way, it's no wonder she hasn't been getting any action. Edie tells Gabby that she's "this close" to going after her gardener. Shopworn Gabby: "Been there, done that."

Talk turns to Gabby's Salt and Pepper Sex And The City boyfriend, whom apparently Gabby is fixing to dump. Edie, puzzled: "Why? He's rich, he's gorgeous, he's probably going to be mayor..." But Gabby claims he's "too arrogant." And again I cry bullshit. Since when has Gabby had issues with arrogance? Especially when it comes attached to sacks of money? Edie offers to take the mayor-to-be off Gabby's hands (and into Edie's sex-deprived clutches...if three weeks can be considered "deprived"), but Gabby scoffs that Edie can't possibly be that "hard up." Again: huh? S&P isn't exactly the most well written character on the show, but he certainly isn't below Edie's standards. And Edie agrees: "Did I mention my gardener was sixty-two?" They walk into Gabby's house and spot the Niagara Shitstorm, which is now trickling down into the foyer. Gabby races upstairs to her closet and cuts loose with a keening howl when she spies all her precious outfits, which are all almost assuredly Dry Clean Only.

Scavoria. Lynette walks in, and Tom immediately pounces on her for not wearing her new uniform, which is just a basic orange t-shirt with an innocuous logo across the front. Lynette does a sad job of pretending she forgot it at home, but luckily Tom just happens to have an extra. Lynette tries to convince Tom that maybe the two of them should be exempt from the t-shirt-wearing, since they're the owners, but Tom holds firm, even though Lynette totally "hate[s] orange." Really? REALLY? This is what passes for plot on this show these days? Tom and Lynette can't agree on the color of the company t-shirts? That is rich, rich material. Maybe they could spin off their own show? And each week, it'd be like a completely different color, or maybe the shirts would have long sleeves!

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Desperate Housewives

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