Desperate Housewives
Everybody Says Don't

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Everybody Says Don't

Previously: just everything that went down last week.

This week's MAVO flashback intro paints the rosy picture of Bree and Hempy's budding romance: "On her first day of sobriety, Bree Van de Kamp found a cork, which reminded her of Chablis." Bree huffs the found cork deep and hard, à la Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet. MAVO: "So she called her sponsor, who came over with a DVD, which they watched till her craving had past." We see Hempy and Bree sitting there on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn between them, and they're just laughing and laughing. MAVO: "Five days later, after she developed a thirst for merlot, Peter arrived with a deck of cards." We see the two of them playing what looks like Spit and, again, there is the laughing and laughing. Next, MAVO tells us, Hempy came bearing "Chinese takeout" in responses to Bree's dangerous "thoughts of vintage chardonnay." And in the Chinese food flashback, the hilarity has reached such a fevered pitch that Hempy's face is shiny and veined with the strain of so much laughing. Meanwhile, Bree looks happier and more carefree than I think I've ever seen her. And, oh my god...she's drinking a Diet Coke directly from the can! Without a coaster! Are we really sure that Bree is sober? MAVO: "By her twentieth day of sobriety, Bree had stopped thinking about alcohol altogether, because her thoughts were now centered...elsewhere."

In the now, Bree and Hempy are playing chess at the dining-room table, and they are sitting awfully close -- maybe the chess-club kids had the right idea after all? Checkmate INDEED. Bree takes one of Hempy's bishops with her knight, and then launches in on one of the weirder preambles to a proposition ever: what, she is curious to know, does Hempy think is the best method for overcoming addiction? He gamely lists "shock therapy" and "hypnosis" as potential approaches, but cites the "one day at a time" approach as his personal favorite. When he asks Bree why she wants to know, she tells him she guesses she's just "impatient to get on with [her] life." And by her "life," it's clear that what she really means is her "plans to rub down Hempy's naked form with essential oils."

With the land thusly tilled, Bree leans in and kisses Hempy lightly on the cheek. He looks up at her with alarm, and then he starts scratching his chest like suddenly he's broken out in his very own case of the kissing rash. Bree tries to breeze the kiss off as just her way of thanking him for being so nice to her these past few weeks. When Hempy doesn't respond -- in fact, he looks like his mind's been completely imploded (and, having recently attended a local high school's take on Cats, I know the look well) -- Bree voices some concern. Hempy finally manages to confess that not only is he an alcoholic, but that he's also a member of "Sex Addicts Anonymous." Bree laughs like he's just told her about his addiction to unicorns. Poor, sheltered Bree. After a beat or two, she comprehends that he's not joking, and says, "But it was just a kiss on the cheek!" Hempy: "Doesn't matter. The slightest touch gets my juices flowing." Much like a Thanksgiving turkey. Bree, with suspect sympathy, asks how long it's been, and he mournfully confesses that he hasn't...stuffed a turkey (my euphemism) in a whole year. Bree can almost taste those juices now! Hempy babbles on about the "plant, pet, person" rule that they have at SAA; once he can manage to keep a plant alive for a period of time, and then do the same with a pet, only then can he "can start dating again." Bree: "So, how are you doing [with that "fern, fido, fellatio" thing]?" Hempy, wryly: "I'm on my fourth ficus." Bree, all "speaking of ficus," leans in and plants one right on his lips. Then, without at all recognizing that she's just done the irresponsible equivalent of someone handing her a drink, she says, "See? I think you can handle affection better than you give yourself credit for." So sweet. And yet so totally selfish and unaware and retarded.

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Desperate Housewives




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