Desperate Housewives
Everybody Says Don't

Episode Report Card
Evany: B- | Grade It Now!
Everybody Says Don't

CreePaul rolls up at Edie's party, and Edie warmly greets him and his nice gift. He thanks her for the invitation, "considering how people in this neighborhood feel" about him. Edie tells him how inclusiveness is her personal policy, and then coos over the weight of his gift. Edie turns around, and there's Susan, who's hobbling on her stupid cane and carrying a tray, and wow, she looks like shit. Edie tells Susan that her champagne is flat, and she wants Susan to make her a "Rusty Nail" instead. Edie doesn't know what's in it, but she happily tells Susan that "it sounds obscure and complicated. So chop-chop!" Susan staggers off, and behind her, we see Carlos hanging up his cell phone: Libby's gone into labor! Lynette squeals in excitement, but Gabby looks like she's going to have a heart attack: "She promised me the baby wasn't due for four more weeks!" Gabby starts blubbering that she doesn't have diapers, or "the stuff babies drink." "Formula?" Lynette suggests. Gabby: "This is a total inconvenience." Lynette: "Welcome to parenthood." Hey Lynette, where's Tom? Does he not attend parties with you anymore?

Gabby and Lynette leave, and the camera pans back to Susan, who's behind the bar. Susan hands Julie Karl's drink recipe book and tells her to look up a Rusty Nail. Julie opens the book, and out pops the photo of Susan and Karl, which he hid there back in the episode where he and Susan had phenomenal sex. Susan is all confused. Why would Karl keep a photo of them together? And yet, the very fact of the photo isn't necessarily that incriminating. How often do people actually crack open their bartender bibles? Ostensibly, that photo could be a remnant from when they were married. Julie does some more eye-rolling, which seems to be her main purpose in this episode.

Upstairs, Karl is...sorting clothing? Refolding guests' coats? Weird. Susan comes in, closes the door, and confronts him: this "fake marriage" of theirs -- it is indeed fake, right? Karl pretends not to know what she means, so she flashes the photo of them together. Karl still feigns ignorance, so Susan tells him, "Repeat after me: 'Our marriage is fake, and I'm going to marry the woman I really love, Edie Britt.'" He makes a joke of it, and then takes the photo and puts it in his pocket and tells Susan not to worry her pretty, apple-doll head over the matter. Pushy Susan keeps pushing: why is he holding on to that photo? Karl, finally serious, sadly tells Susan that he just "likes to look at it from time to time." Susan: "Why?!" Karl: "Consider it my punishment for screwing up the best thing that ever happened to me." Susan looks at him, aghast, and then shakes her cane at him and tells him, "No, this is not happening!" Karl grabs Susan's cane, throws it to the floor, and totally starts macking on Susan. At his own engagement party. Celebrating an engagement to another woman. Susan struggles and struggles, and somehow they wind up rolling around on the bed. Finally, she manages to pull her face away from Karl, but she's still straddling him when he tells her he'll do whatever she wants: marry Edie, call off the wedding, whatever...he's "putty." Just then, Edie says, "Karl?" from outside the door, and without hesitating, Karl flips Susan over his head and onto the floor beside the bed. Edie walks in just as Karl's scrambling up to his feet, and she asks him what he's up to. Karl: "Just putting away some coats." Ah, so that's what he was doing. Edie sweeps him out of the room: it's present-opening time! In the bedroom, Susan creeps slowly out of hiding. And if she secretly didn't need a cane before, that throw should do the trick.

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Desperate Housewives




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