Desperate Housewives
Everybody Says Don't

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Everybody Says Don't

Down at the local watering hole, Bree comes in, sits down at the bar, and says, "Hi, I need some advice from a professional. I'd like to get stinking drunk. Do you have anything that can accomplish that in a hurry?" She's wearing the same pretty cashmere coral sweater from her phone scene with Hempy, so presumably this is the direct result of his spurning. Ugh, this isn't going to end well.

Down at the hospital. Gabby, wearing a hospital gown, comes running around the corner, and then skids to a halt: She "forgot the Lamaze book in [her] purse!" Carlos grabs her and tells her that they'll "wing it," and he speeds her along. But their rushing is for naught: the baby's already here. Huh, I would have thought they'd string out the pregnancy for a few more episodes at least. Gabby is crestfallen to discover that they missed the whole thing, though I can't really imagine her getting into the screaming and perineum damage of actual labor, so really their timing is probably a good thing. Libby, who is still shiny with delivery sweat, says, "The kid just slipped right out." It must be all that pole dancing. The nurse, who's holding the baby, asks if Gabby and Carlos are family. Libby takes a breath, and then introduces them as "the parents." Aw.

Later, Carlos and the nurse are busy swaddling the baby, and Gabby is standing off to the side, looking nervous. The nurse invites Gabby to join in, but Gabby makes some excuse. Carlos urges her to help, but still she hangs back; she "doesn't want to do anything to screw it up." The nurse assures her that the baby isn't going to break, as all baby nurses do in every new-baby scene ever televised, and she puts the baby right into Gabby's arms. Three seconds later, Gabby is in love! Gabby, looking down at the baby (who looks like a 1970s illustration of a gnome, but in a nice way), whispers to Carlos that he was right, "It was all worth it." And the "babies=world peace" music swells!

Back at the party, Edie has just opened Lynette's present: it's a set of serving bowls. Edie is clearly not impressed. Lynette points out that there's a gift receipt in the box, and Edie is instantly cheered. How rude! (Edie is awesome.) Next up? Felicia's present. Now, remember the weird and dumb scene between Felicia and Mike, back when this recap was young and carefree? Well, this moment was the very reason that scene was ham-fisted into being. Ready? So Edie opens up the box, and inside...? Are Mrs. Huber's dentures! Edie puts the teeth back into the box and dusts off her teeth-sullied hands. Felicia, with uncomfortable sincerity, explains that while the gift is "unconventional," Felicia wanted Edie to have something "truly personal" to remember Martha by, since she and Edie had been such good friends: "Since she left us so abruptly -- you know, when Paul Young strangled her, crushed her windpipe, and buried her alive next to a garbage-strewn hiking trail." Edie clears away Felicia's champagne glass ("I think you've had enough"), and Felicia apologizes; it's just that she wanted to remind everyone that, while they're "chit-chatting and eating these yummy hors d' oeuvres," they're doing so in the "company of a murderer." And with that, CreePaul stands and, in the wake of some quiet muttering, walks out the door. Wow, Felicia is totally nuts.

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Desperate Housewives

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