Desperate Housewives
Everybody Says Don't

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Everybody Says Don't

Nighttime, down at the bar. Hempy walks it, looks around, and then he spots Bree: she's passed out at a corner table. I guess she called him just before passing out? Eeee, so embarrassing, the "I'm going to get so drunk that you have to come rescue me" move. Doesn't Bree know that you're supposed to get that out of your system in high school, just like the rest of us? Hempy shakes her awake, and asks her why she didn't call Donna. Why, oh why! Bree, with the sticky voice of the phenomenally drunk: "I don't need Donna; I need you." Hempy pulls her to her feet, and she manages to stagger a few inches before he has to lift her up into his arms and carry her out. Hempy -- basically to himself, because Bree's in no shape to listen: "You know? I don't even like redheads." And while I think that line was supposed to be sweet, like "aww, he just can't help liking her," as anyone who's drunkenly manipulated someone into momentary caring knows, this just can't end well.

Down at the hospital, Gabby and her extensions are cuddling the baby, and Carlos is waiting his turn: "C'mon, you're hogging her!" Ha. From the hallway, they hear some drunken shouting. It's the bouncer boyfriend, and he's waving a bottle around and yelling at Libby, who's in a wheelchair (because she's recently passed a human being from through her private canal and not because of some pussy "wandering spleen" recovery jive). Bouncer Boyfriend needs to know the true identity of the father! When Libby keeps sticking to her "some rodeo guy" story, BB pours the booze out on his arm and yells that he's going to set himself on fire if she doesn't come clean. Gabby: "He's going to light himself on fire with coffee liqueur?" Ha! BB puts the lighter against his skin, and it doesn't catch, but he still shouts in pain, and Libby yells, "It was Dale!" Dale being BB's baby brother, who's only nineteen, but, as Libby assures him, "old enough to know which end is up." Yay, what an awesomely weird thing to say -- like, some kids are so young, they mistakenly try to sex up a woman's ankle?

Slowly it dawns on Gabby and Carlos that with an identifiable father back on the scene, the adoption is once again in jeopardy. Gabby looks sick. "No," she says with mama-bear conviction. "I'm not giving up the baby." Slowly, she walks, with babe in arms, past the bouncer boyfriend (who's now wrestling with an orderly and a security guard). Carlos runs after her and tries to stop her. Gabby: "Do you really want to leave this beautiful baby girl with that white-trash freak show?" Carlos gives in, and together they race to their car, pausing guiltily while a fleet of cops run past them to, I guess, go contain the bouncer boyfriend (or maybe the alarm tag that all newborn infants are given triggered the law?). Once at the car, Carlos struggles to get the car seat in place. (Listen up, Britney! They're on the run from the law and yet still they pause to get the baby all safe and strapped in.) After Carlos tries and fails to get the seat buckled, Gabby takes over. And clip, snap, thunk! The baby's in. Hey, Gabby's going to make a wonderful mother after all! That, or she's just really versed in the assembly of restraint harnesses. Carlos: "You know this isn't going to end well. They're just going to try and take her back." Gabby, caterpillaring her way into the front seat, grunts, "Maybe, but we don't have to make it easy for them." Gabby peels out of the hospital parking garage, smashing the box the car seat came in on her way out. Foreshadowing? And, if yes, of what?

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Desperate Housewives

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