Desperate Housewives
Everybody Says Don't

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Everybody Says Don't

Andrew's lawyer is down at Lynette's office, trying to convince Lynette to offer up her deposition about Bree's deficient parenting skills. Lynette tells him that she doesn't want to get involved, so the lawyer makes it clear that he can "compel" her to do so, I guess via legal channels. But he's fairly sure that won't be necessary, once Lynette gets a load of the photo of battered Andrew. Oooh, right! Yeah, that photo doesn't look good at all, and Lynette is clearly thrown. Lawyer: "I understand your reluctance to turn on a friend, but this isn't about you, it's about Andrew. Don't you think he's suffered enough?" Wow, I kind of can't believe Andrew's plan is actually working.

Carlos is stuffing one of Gabby's purses full of many, many wads of cash to the tune of $40k. Gabby: "Forty thousand? He's a bouncer in a strip club! Offer him eight." But Carlos doesn't think that the guy is going to sell his baby for just eight thousand. Gabby: "Are we talking about the same idiot? I think for eight thousand dollars, he'd throw in a kidney." Gabby starts nagging him about how Carlos always pays "sticker." Carlos, all snappy: "Okay, what's the sticker price on a child? Tell me that!" Gabby: "I'm thinking twelve." What the hell is going on? Last week, Gabby was ready to pay anything for the baby, and now she's suddenly The Chiseler? Though I guess this is the same woman who chiseled Carlos's rival prisoner's girlfriend Rita out of a $7000 boob job.

Down at Temptation, Carlos and Gabby are in a heated conference with Libby and her fresh-faced collegiate-type boyfriend, who is possibly the least menacing bouncer I've ever seen. Libby is wearing a not-very-believable faux bump. How does the old wives' tale go? If it looks like you're wearing a huge inner tube around your waist, that's a sure sign it's a girl? Libby's trying to browbeat her boyfriend into signing the waiver, but he's putting up a fuss. Libby threatens to call the cops about the "pot farm" he has growing in their basement. Boyfriend laughs sheepishly and tells the Solises that it's "just a couple plants." Libby: "Come on, Frank, you know you'd be a lousy father." Nice. He yells that it's his kid, which means that he can "mess her up" if he wants to! And if Libby goes to the cops about the kind buds, then he'll tell them about all the tips Libby steals. Gabby says, "Okay, we're done," and then she turns and marches for the door. Without pausing to pick up her purse packed full of money. So I guess she doesn't care about the money after all? I'm confused! And also a teensy bit bored. Is it me, or is this episode dragging more than RuPaul? (Good one, right? It just came to me like that, fully formed. I know!) Carlos scrambles after Gabby and tries to get her to stay and work things out with Smokey McPot, but Gabby is all, "It's over!" Which, again, is totally weird, considering how stubbornly aggro Gabby normally is. Just then, Libby -- who's finally realizing that her fish might slip through her net -- pipes up: actually, pothead isn't the daddy. It's just like Libby said back in the beginning: she's not sure who the father is: "Alls I know is I got pregnant right after I worked at the Calgary Rodeo, and I was...very popular there." Frank: "What are you saying, you screwed a bunch of cowboys?" There's a Bareback Mountain joke in here, somewhere, but sadly, it eludes me. Much to your relief, I'm sure. Or wait, something about True Grit? Or wait, Blazing Saddles. RuPaul? Hey, where are you guys going? (Oh, but before we head on to the next scene, you'll be relieved to know that Gabby sneaks back and grabs her cash-packed purse, so that loose thread, at least, doesn't get left hanging. Though I'm surprised mercenary Libby didn't demand it for herself.)

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Desperate Housewives

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