Desperate Housewives
Everybody Says Don't

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Everybody Says Don't

Trucker Donna is over at Bree's house, sipping tea and laying out her rules as a sponsor. Her style is "proactive," meaning that she doesn't do any handholding when someone falls off the wagon. Bree comes in with her ubiquitous offering of muffins, METAPHORICALLY, but Donna declines, saying that she's "not big on snacks," which, much like the Great Cream Soda Scene from earlier, reads like it's supposed to be a joke, but isn't, which is awkward. Also awkward? Donna's next line, when she tells Bree, "I'm not a lesbian." How does the old saying go? If you have to say it, you can't afford it? Bree: "Good for you!" Donna explains that if she were lesbionic, AA wouldn't let her be Bree's sponsor (really? that sounds totally wrong), because they might get "tangled up in a little something," which could interfere with Bree's recovery: "So whatever vibe you might be getting, that's all on you." Wait, so Trucker Donna is a lesbian, or isn't she? I don't get it. Bree smiles frozenly for a few beats, and then returns to her Hempy lament: while Bree surely appreciates Donna's help, she just feels like things were going so well with Hempy: "And I was thinking..." Donna: "All right, stop RIGHT there!" Donna snaps that Bree is "fixating" on Hempy. Bree: "I just really feel like I'm jeopardizing my recovery by switching." Man, Bree has got the lingo down. Donna moves over closer to Bree on the couch, causing Bree to lean waaay back, and starts explaining how her "99% success rate as a sponsor" is due to her complete lack of tolerance "for people to lie to themselves." Donna stands and yanks Bree to her feet. They're going hiking! Because, as Donna says, "there's nothing like it for taking your mind off booze." Bree, who isn't wearing the hike-friendliest of clothes (she has on a light pink skirt and a little green cardigan and, I think, heels), looks totally under-stoked; I don't think she's really a hike kind of person.

Susan and Karl are on Edie's front stoop. Karl snaps his fingers and whispers that he's got a plan: he's going to "be the woman" and insist on a huge wedding with lots of flowers and decorations and planning and frosting. The only trouble with his strategy: Susan has to take the fall for ruining the surprise of the surprise wedding. Just then, Edie opens the door and invites them both inside; she's got a surprise of her own to show them. What's this? Why, it's Dr. Ron! And he's totally spilled the beans about Karl and Susan being married. Why he feels compelled to do this, three weeks after breaking things off with Susan, isn't exactly clear. But I sure do like his baby blue sweater! After announcing that she isn't going to scream, or "pound their faces in with a mallet," Edie starts screaming that Karl and Susan are "reprehensible excuses for human beings." Then she turns to Ron and asks if he has anything to add. Without a word, he lifts a vase full of tulips, pulls out the flowers (which are fake, I guess, because there's no water in there), and hands Edie the vase. Ha! Edie throws the vase, and Susan and Karl dive out of the way, and then together they scramble out the door. Bye bye, Dr. Ron!

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Desperate Housewives

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