Paul throws some kind of timely Schiavo fit about Beth, who is on life support, but eventually -- after speaking to Felicia about how they are to blame for Beth's crazy actions -- Paul decides to give Susan Beth's kidney after all. Sadly, Felicia gets random probation, proving once again that no good deed goes unpunished in Fairview. Mike spends the whole time trying to convince Susan to fight Paul for the kidney, because this show's only moral is that everybody else is an asshole, so you might as well screw people whenever you can.
For e.g., Tom gets offered some major awesome job out of nowhere, but wibbles and wobbles about it because this would mean screwing over Carlos, for whom apparently he works. Lynette, jizzing over the idea of money all of a sudden, does about a thousand gross Lynette-type things to get him to take the job, and eventually I guess it works. You know how the Scavos are gross? Well, now they are gross with money. (Although it must be said that Lynette's rockin' quite the bod and apparently has given herself a rich-lady makeover for the foreseeable.)
Meanwhile, Renee refuses to let a little thing like yet another wife of Paul Young blowing her own head off interfere with her annual Spring Fling party. Because Wisteria Lane has class occasionally, nobody actually wants to attend, so she invites like pool guys and college kids, and it's really kind of sad. Eventually Gabrielle figures out that Renee's being even more vicious than usual about Beth's suicide because her own mother did the same, so I guess they're friends now or something.
McCluskey calls Bree over because apparently Andrew got crazy drunk and broke into her house last night. Andrew's husband reveals he's been drinking for awhile, and then up and leaves him, causing the spiral to keep spiraling, so Bree fools Andrew into going to an AA meeting. (That was weird, because the guy leading the meeting is played by Lee Tergesen? Who played Bree's AA sponsor that Andrew slept with, like a million years ago, but it's not him? Am I making this up? Why would that happen? Why have the same actor in a similar storyline with the same characters?) Anyway, Andrew and Bree end up bonding over how they are total drunks who can't keep a man.
In two weeks, because why on earth should this show have any schedule at all: Felicia's back on the murder trail, Susan sadly will not be dying, Andrew may be taking AA so seriously that he confesses about killing Carlos's Mom, and people maybe go camping or something. Maybe Paul Young will meet a lady and marry her and she will shoot her own head off, that would be novel.
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Medical personnel: "Dear Susan and Paul. It's so crazy I have to tell you this over the phone, not to mention illegal, but Beth blew her head off right in front of a bunch of people." Susan: "Awesome!" Paul: "So?" Medical personnel: "I don't know if you understand what I'm saying. A woman committed suicide in front of little kids in the Emergency Room. They were already having a shitty day, and then a lady's brains was in their frozen yogurt." Susan: "I know! It's great!" Paul: "I was just sitting down to three courses and a bottle of wine, because I threw Beth out into the street and became my own wife, so unless this is relevant..." Medical personnel: "Well, she's an organ donor. Her organs could save a life." Paul: "The fuck you say."
(Paul goes running to the hospital to stop Beth's organ donation to any person even before the doctor can even illegally tell him that it's Susan getting the kidney -- the knowing of which would lend him the speed of Mercury such that all you would see is feet-fire skid marks à la Back To The Future.)
(The ladies all run to meet Susan at the hospital so they can trample the braindead body of Beth Young and rifle through her belongings some more, and Gabi doesn't know quite how to congratulate Susan on the beautiful miracle that is a lady blowing her own head off, and Renee's just pissed because it means Susan -- being in ICU, having a crazy woman's organs put inside her -- won't be attending her annual Spring Fling.)
Doctor: "Sorry you guys are so happy this lady blew her head off." Ladies: "That's not even really the gist of how self-centered and awful we are." Doctor: "Okay but do you like have even one ounce of sadness?" Renee: "Yeah, not really. It's more like, 'One less brain-dead bitch at my party.' You know?" Susan: "That's hardly fair!" Everybody, even Mike: "Well..."
(Not even Susan knows yet that Beth blew her head off downstairs, so in fact it's just the painful death of an unknown stranger they've been celebrating. The doctor gets over being grossed out by them long enough to explain that it's Beth's kidney that will be going into Susan, where hopefully it will not be menaced by her remaining deformed, mutant kidney or wandering, loitering spleen.)
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