(We pretend that either of MJ Delfino's parents can read.)
(Lynette literally whores herself to her own husband to take this job -- rocking a bra and BOXER SHORTS, which is the even sadder part -- and says shit like, "I see you're already in the upright and locked position" and possibly more things I didn't hear because I was too busy barfing everything I have ever eaten or even thought about eating.)
Felicia: "Welcome to the chapel in my prison. Sorry I am working on getting your wife's life support cut off, but it's the only way I can get out of jail and finish the job she never quite started."
Paul: "Are we being honest right now?"
Felicia: "Totally. You have to let her die and give Susan her kidney, because it's the right thing to do, and also because they will let me out of jail because Fairview has a made-up retard legal system where shit like that happens constantly, and then I will come kill you."
Felicia, verbatim: "My daughter's dead. Your wife is dead. And we both know what killed her."
Paul: "Um, ouch."
Felicia: "No, it wasn't just that we both iced her out. Although that didn't help, and I'm going to get to the mean part in a minute. What I mean is, we've been using Wisteria Lane in a chess game for the last seven or twelve years, and finally it hurt somebody besides Susan."
Paul: "If only it could have hurt Susan."
Felicia: "For real."
Felicia, verbatim: "You refused to believe she loved you, I turned her away because she did."
Paul: (Suddenly comprehends the entire plotline leading to Beth's suicide and that he is fully culpable, for not believing her; somehow this means Susan gets the kidney. It is touching to the precise degree that you like Paul and/or want to make out with him, meaning that it is actually quite touching.)
Bree: "Remember how I dragged you to an AA meeting under false pretenses and then made sure you were completely paralyzed and unable to talk or share your feelings in any way whatsoever? Because I'm selfish in a way that only addicts can be?"
Andrew: "Sure do."
Bree: "What say we do that again?"
Andrew: "Nope. But I will describe my Betty Draper existence in a way that is insulting not only to you but to any homemaker, the reason being that women's work is fine as long as you're a woman, but even a fag deserves better."
Bree: "You're right, women are the worst."
Andrew: "And now I am one. Also, Alex left me. I'm going to say the word 'marriage' as though it applies to our relationship, so the gross old hags that still watch this shit can fan themselves scandalously."