Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Worms Play Pinochle

Medical personnel: "Dear Susan and Paul. It's so crazy I have to tell you this over the phone, not to mention illegal, but Beth blew her head off right in front of a bunch of people."
Susan: "Awesome!"
Paul: "So?"
Medical personnel: "I don't know if you understand what I'm saying. A woman committed suicide in front of little kids in the Emergency Room. They were already having a shitty day, and then a lady's brains was in their frozen yogurt."
Susan: "I know! It's great!"
Paul: "I was just sitting down to three courses and a bottle of wine, because I threw Beth out into the street and became my own wife, so unless this is relevant..."
Medical personnel: "Well, she's an organ donor. Her organs could save a life."
Paul: "The fuck you say."

(Paul goes running to the hospital to stop Beth's organ donation to any person even before the doctor can even illegally tell him that it's Susan getting the kidney -- the knowing of which would lend him the speed of Mercury such that all you would see is feet-fire skid marks à la Back To The Future.)

(The ladies all run to meet Susan at the hospital so they can trample the braindead body of Beth Young and rifle through her belongings some more, and Gabi doesn't know quite how to congratulate Susan on the beautiful miracle that is a lady blowing her own head off, and Renee's just pissed because it means Susan -- being in ICU, having a crazy woman's organs put inside her -- won't be attending her annual Spring Fling.)

Doctor: "Sorry you guys are so happy this lady blew her head off."
Ladies: "That's not even really the gist of how self-centered and awful we are."
Doctor: "Okay but do you like have even one ounce of sadness?"
Renee: "Yeah, not really. It's more like, 'One less brain-dead bitch at my party.' You know?"
Susan: "That's hardly fair!"
Everybody, even Mike: "Well..."

(Not even Susan knows yet that Beth blew her head off downstairs, so in fact it's just the painful death of an unknown stranger they've been celebrating. The doctor gets over being grossed out by them long enough to explain that it's Beth's kidney that will be going into Susan, where hopefully it will not be menaced by her remaining deformed, mutant kidney or wandering, loitering spleen.)

Doctor: "For no narrative reason and completely out of character, frankly, Paul Young looks likely to pull some kind of Terry Schiavo shit."
Bree: "I can't believe it! All I did was go over to her motel and talk her into committing suicide, despite her desperate and obviously pained cries for help."ibid., verbatim: "I mean, she seemed off, but she always seemed a little off."

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Desperate Housewives




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