Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Worms Play Pinochle

(True enough. She did seem forever poised to murder herself in a particularly gratuitous, drama-queen fashion. Anyhow, that's how I'd like to remember her: Always on the brink of annihilation, a human embodiment of desperation, one cockeyed pupil forever blasted, like a puppy that gets off on being kicked.)

McCluskey: "Bree, come get your drunk gay son. He broke into my house and is sleeping on the couch looking, nevertheless and as usual, like one billion US dollars."
ibid., verbatim: "If I wanted a drunk homo on my couch, I would have married my college boyfriend."
Andrew's husband: (Exists. For now.)
Bree: "I think maybe you have a problem with alcohol, due to breaking into old ladies' houses. Also, apparently you were getting blitzed on mai tais, which is the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. This happened when, while you were eating cheesecake out on the lanai?"
Alex: "It's true, mai tais are not a real thing. My porn career did not prepare me for this amount of humiliation."

Andrew: "I'm not an alcoholic! Other clichés! All the clichés!"
Bree: "Alex, let's gang up on your husband."
Alex: "Done."
Andrew: "You guys SUCK."

Bree & Alex: (Decide essentially that Alex will leave Andrew to Bree, like a dowry in reverse, for no real reason than the fact that this show is unable to take gay relationships seriously -- if only Gabi were here to save the fags from themselves! -- and pops them back and forth between committed and uncommitted states the way most shows used to do straight people; the way observation does to the qualities of a photon.)

Bree: (Readies her womb for a return-to-sender situation.)

Renee, verbatim: "Tables and chairs go out back, chafing dishes and flatware in the kitchen, and eyes off the boobs, but thanks for noticing."
Everybody on Earth: (Is amazed they're finally using Wilhelmina Slater properly, as well as the overall quality of this episode. It kind of makes the rest of this shitty season even worse by comparison, is how relatively un-terrible this episode is.)
Gabi: "Hey, person on this show I've never once interacted with but is suddenly my best friend, are we still throwing this party?"
Renee: "Why would Beth Young's horrific public suicide be a problem?"
Gabi, verbatim: "Unless the theme is Neighbors Who Blow Their Brains Out..."
Renee: "That is always the theme on this show. It should be called Desperate Housewives Who Steal Each Other's Babies & Then Blow Their Brains Out."

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Desperate Housewives




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