Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Worms Play Pinochle

(We revisit the fact that among these ladies, all of whom are just terrible people that you wouldn't ever want to meet or interact with, Beth Young was still unacceptable even though every year they pull this scapegoating shit and every year the new, scapegoated Housewife ends up dragging them all through hell.)

Gabi: "Well, I already [shopping shopping shopping] so maybe we could turn it into a tribute to Beth or whatever her name was."
Renee: "I like that. Only instead of being a tribute to Beth or whatever her name is, it should be a tribute to us, and to your [shopping]. Now, go tell everybody else on our horrible street about the party!"
Gabi: "Okay, but only because I don't have any other friends, my suddenly BFF."

(And just as you're thinking, What's the worst goddamn thing Susan can do at this moment?)

Susan: "Paul, whom I tried to murder with a caveman club a few months ago and then blamed for the riot in which my one good kidney got kicked out, I just wanted to pretend we're friends."
Paul: "Susan, who married my son's father and then mailed him to Abu Dhabi when shit got real, I just wanted to tell you to eat a dick."
Susan: "It's not like she's using her kidney!"
Paul: "She's using it to torment you."
Susan: "But I have six hours of dialysis three times a week!"
Paul: "Jimmy crack corn, Susan. Jimmy crack corn."

Susan: "You're right. I wasn't ever very nice to Beth, because she pointed a gun at me for trying to murder you after you caught me prostituting myself on the world wide web."
Paul: "And because I have spent this entire show trying to destroy your life for no reason whatsoever, yes. But that doesn't change the fact that I have like this one scruple."
Susan: "I have to go to dialysis now. And feel sorry for myself."
Paul: "Hey as long as the kidney's in play, can I just remind everybody that I wasn't the cause of the riot? That was Lynette. My plan was just kind of random chaos with a charitable edge."
Susan: "On this show, even the barest hint of charity proves that you can't be trusted. Look at that plastic-faced mannequin from Torchwood. Look at Beth."

(Or at least the location where her face used to be.)

Mike: "Susan, you know how we talked about your terrible judgment and how whatever you think you should do, we should just plan to do the opposite?"
Susan: "Yeah, but this is different."
Mike: "How so?"
Susan: "Because martyrdom."
Doctor: "I don't give a shit what you do. Just get out of my office and stop talking about yourself. You're making me hate sick people."

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Desperate Housewives




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