Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Worms Play Pinochle

Mitzi: "Are you nuts? In case you haven't heard, our friend across the street, Betty Young, just blew her brains out."
Gabi: "Beth Young."
Mitzi: "Oh, I got her name wrong. How disrespectful. Hope you don't tell that story tomorrow at your party!"

(Gabi comes back to tell Renee that she has horrified the entire Lane, once again, but it's ironic because for once it's not because she is herself insane. Somewhere Juanita is eating her feelings and a family is getting deported and a blind masseur is out of work.)

Renee, verbatim: "Well, they can all go to Hell, we're still having the party."
ibid., verbatim: "...Nobody even liked her!"
ibid., verbatim: "For ten years I've had my Spring Fling the first Sunday of April. Not the second Sunday, not the third, and not when a bunch of wimps decide they're ready to stop moping."
ibid., verbatim: "My social life is not gonna come to a stop just because some Cuckoobird decides to clean her ears with a handgun."
Wilhelmina Slater: (Can finally rest.)

(We pretend that either of MJ Delfino's parents can read.)

(Lynette literally whores herself to her own husband to take this job -- rocking a bra and BOXER SHORTS, which is the even sadder part -- and says shit like, "I see you're already in the upright and locked position" and possibly more things I didn't hear because I was too busy barfing everything I have ever eaten or even thought about eating.)

Felicia: "Welcome to the chapel in my prison. Sorry I am working on getting your wife's life support cut off, but it's the only way I can get out of jail and finish the job she never quite started."
Paul: "Are we being honest right now?"
Felicia: "Totally. You have to let her die and give Susan her kidney, because it's the right thing to do, and also because they will let me out of jail because Fairview has a made-up retard legal system where shit like that happens constantly, and then I will come kill you."

Felicia, verbatim: "My daughter's dead. Your wife is dead. And we both know what killed her."
Paul: "Um, ouch."
Felicia: "No, it wasn't just that we both iced her out. Although that didn't help, and I'm going to get to the mean part in a minute. What I mean is, we've been using Wisteria Lane in a chess game for the last seven or twelve years, and finally it hurt somebody besides Susan."
Paul: "If only it could have hurt Susan."
Felicia: "For real."
Felicia, verbatim: "You refused to believe she loved you, I turned her away because she did."
Paul: (Suddenly comprehends the entire plotline leading to Beth's suicide and that he is fully culpable, for not believing her; somehow this means Susan gets the kidney. It is touching to the precise degree that you like Paul and/or want to make out with him, meaning that it is actually quite touching.)

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Desperate Housewives




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