Desperate Housewives

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The Worms Play Pinochle

Bree: "Remember how I dragged you to an AA meeting under false pretenses and then made sure you were completely paralyzed and unable to talk or share your feelings in any way whatsoever? Because I'm selfish in a way that only addicts can be?"
Andrew: "Sure do."
Bree: "What say we do that again?"
Andrew: "Nope. But I will describe my Betty Draper existence in a way that is insulting not only to you but to any homemaker, the reason being that women's work is fine as long as you're a woman, but even a fag deserves better."
Bree: "You're right, women are the worst."
Andrew: "And now I am one. Also, Alex left me. I'm going to say the word 'marriage' as though it applies to our relationship, so the gross old hags that still watch this shit can fan themselves scandalously."

(Having once won a GLAAD award is not at all the same thing as continuing to deserve a GLAAD award.)

Bree: "So how about that meeting? I'd love to sabotage your recovery further."
Andrew: "No thank you, farewell."
Bree: "Wait just a minute. This is about me! I talked a weird woman I barely knew into committing suicide last night, while trying to bribe Jesus into liking me. I'll will be damned if you queer my deal with Jesus again. I'm gonna help the shit out of you."
Andrew: "Can I at least have a drink first?"
Bree: "Sure, and then we will create our own AA meeting, because that's how it works. Much simpler to get you off track and talk about myself when it's just the two of us."
Andrew: "Are you sure this is what AA is like?"
Bree: "I'm starting my own twelve-step program right here in your living room. Consider me the Bill Henrickson of recovery."

Carlos: "Glenn? Trying to steal you? Are you sure this isn't an April Fool's joke?"
Tom: "I find myself talking to you about this because my wife gave me a sad handjob."
Carlos: "I'm afraid I can't give you more money, but how about a new fake title?"
Tom: "I'll take it!"
Carlos: "...Are you sure this isn't a joke? He's not actually going after your wife, the talented businesswoman?"
Tom: "Remember when Susan was a successful graphic designer?"

(Tom runs to Lynette to tell her the fake news; she pulls out her safety scissors.)

Lynette: "I bet he offered you a fake title."
Tom: "Are you psychic?"
Lynette: "No, just emasculating and awful. Allow me to demonstrate."(She does; it is epic.)
Tom: "Wow, that's what you really think of me?"
Lynette: "What, in the history of this show, would make you think otherwise?"
Tom: (Physically threatens his wife.)

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Desperate Housewives

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