Desperate Housewives

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Worms Play Pinochle

(Gabrielle takes out the garbage herself, sparing us one of those awful scenes on this show where the woman bitches at her husband about taking out the garbage and then segues into talking about meatloaf, meatloaf, always meatloaf.)

Gabi: "Renee, this party I just noticed is rocking!"
Renee: "Fuck dead ladies. Woo-hoo!"
Gabi: "Wait, these people are poor."
Renee: "What do you mean?"
Undocumented Pool Guy: "¿Senora, por favor puedo trabajarlo el swimming-o pool-o en Domingo más que Miercoles?"
Gabi: "I don't understand what you are saying. I'm one of the good ones."

Renee: "Sometimes I hang out with poor people, what's the problem?"
Gabi: "No, you don't. None of us do. This is the sign of a mental breakdown that you would even do this. Did your baby get switched at birth, because that's the only reason we would ever hang out with these people. What's this about?"
Renee: "Women who commit suicide deserve to be killed! I have pain inside my heart!"
Gabi: "Did your mom commit suicide after being sold into marriage to a serial killer and embroiled in a confusing pointless, real estate scheme?"
Renee: "...Yeah. Wow, when you're on you're on."
Gabi: "When the plot demands it, sure."

Renee: "That's why I wanted a baby for five seconds."
Gabi: "Do you want one of mine?"
Renee: "Yeah, because fat Mexican lunatic children are the new Hermés Birkin. Don't forget, I gave the last one to a busboy."
Gabi: "That's kinda my endgame."

Gabi: "Not to get too Susan on you, but I lost a parent too. My dad. And then -- not to compare stories -- my stepfather molested me like a million times. So maybe you should stop bitching. Again, not to compare."
Renee: "I am not interested in having this conversation."
Gabi: "If you ever want to talk about it, or not have this horrible party, let me know."
Renee: "Here's the thing: I've actually done the work you're trying to force me to do."
Gabi: "I am the least introspective person in the universe. Explain in detail, using small words and helpful diagrams."

Renee: "I will never forget what my mother did. I think about it every day. But I refuse to let it be what defines me. This Spring Fling might seem shallow and insensitive to you, but it's my way of saying I choose life over death."
Gabi: "That sounds vaguely insightful, in an Eat Pray Love kind of way. Count me in."

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Desperate Housewives

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