Susan tries to point out that, as usual, this is all her fault and there's no need for him to feel poorly about himself, but now that he sees an out, there's no way he's going to pass it up. She lets the other shoe fall and admits that Paul Young is blackmailing her to get their house, because he's so into their house for whatever reason. So Mike grabs a literal hammer and heads out the door, because after all the things Paul has done to him specifically, a real estate scheme involving his retarded wife is apparently the last straw. She jumps on his back -- again, literally -- and tells him she has an even worse idea.

Juanita and Grace talk about little kid stuff, Halloween stuff, and then Juanita notices that ugly necklace Gabrielle got for her first modeling job and gave to Grace. Juanita is suspicious about that, and eventually steals it "back." Of course, she's delighted to tell her mother about this immediately, in the hopes that she'll stop forcing her to hang with this girl and let her go back to being weird and lonesome, and Gabrielle screams in her face: "No! No! No!" Realizing this makes her look nuts, Gabby pulls back and admits she gave it to Grace as a present, because Grace is poor, and she hates it when people are poor. Juanita points out that her aunt Rosie's poor, but in that case "you always hide your jewelry box when she comes over." Gabrielle says the difference is that Grace isn't a klepto with a meth habit, and Juanita's like, "Give me a week."

Momma Scavenger is all, "I WAS DOWN TO MY LAST JAR OF CHINA PEARL HAND CREAM! IT WAS LIKE IN THE WAR! WE DREW LINES DOWN OUR LEGS SO IT LOOKED LIKE WE HAD STOCKINGS ON BUT THEY WEREN'T STOCKINGS! THEY WERE JUST LEGS! LEGS!"

Lynette's pissed that Allison let the baby sleep -- for the four hours it apparently took her to get this stuff, because I guess she went to actual China and got some pearls and creamed 'em up real nice -- which causes Gramps to get super freaky and, while simultaneously confusing her son with his brother and his father and LAWRENCE WELK, flip the script on Lynette in a fairly scary mood swing: A grab-the-sewing-scissors flipout that seamlessly transforms into a Morrissey weeping jag. The head threatens to twist all the way around, but Lynette does not fucking stick around to find out. I woulda taken the hand cream away, too. Treat me like that? No, ma'am. "Old & Bonkers" ain't a free pass, Treetrunks.