Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Besmirched, Bollocksed & Befuddled

Man! When J-Dawg finally blows it's gonna be crazier and awesomer than both of Bree's kids put together. They're gonna have to lock her in the basement. Send Alfre Woodard down with pudding pops.

Speaking of kids who are set to explode in about a minute: Treetrunks immediately starts worrying about the Scavo candy supplies again, and when that long-suffering daughter of theirs reminds Grandma that they're fine, she completely breezes past her, into the night. Still wearing those fairy wings. Whatsherface is like, "What, now I gotta babysit my grandmother, too? Fuck that, I'm watching TV. This will sort itself out."

One of the gay ones shows up in a Marilyn costume and there's a moment of bitchery with Renee at the door and then, further inside, this total skeeze in a football uniform starts in on Bree about "the big game" and how he scored the winning touchdown, et cetera, and gets in her area. Bree finally realizes she can get rid of this guy and also find out if she's dating a violent maniac, which she has paperwork to prove anyway, by starting a big fight. Of course, when Keith meanders over he doesn't notice the guy Tex Averying with his tongue out, so Bree has to explain to him that football guy needs intimidating.

Keith scares the jerk off, but just as Bree's delivering a great little monologue -- "That was very gallant, not to mention sexy! No one's ever defended me like that before. Orson once threw half a diet soda at a man, but we were in a moving vehicle, so I don't..." -- Keith goes off and tries to beat the guy up. It gets intense, but not that intense, and Keith pulls it together, gets really embarrassed and leaves.

Now, the best scene of the episode. Bree chases Keith down in the yard asks him what's up, and he screams, "An idiot pushed my buttons, and I went off!" Bree's like, okay, but why are you yelling at me about it? Um, because you set the whole scenario up instead of being honest? "Because it's who I am! I've been arrested for this before! You know, I kept trying to convince myself that it wasn't a problem. Until the second time that I got arrested, then I realized it was. So feel free to break up with me, because you know you want to!"

No, she doesn't. Her first husband was into bondage, despite being married to a functional dominatrix. Her second husband, I don't even know. Her boyfriend in between those slept with her teenage son, not that you could ever blame anybody for that. Bree's like, "I like 'em fucked up, you're hot trash and my last husband was fancy, so let's do this." Keith talks about her perfectly trimmed, um, lawn, and how her face never moves, and she's like, "Wanna talk about my perfect lawn? Nine years ago, my son found me facedown drunk on it. It's true! He had turn the sprinklers on to wake me up. Did you not know you were dating the biggest lush in Fairview?"

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Desperate Housewives




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