Desperate Housewives

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Besmirched, Bollocksed & Befuddled

Keith falls in love all over again and she's like, "We all have baggage, and you and I have reached that point." Very forthright, she asks if there's anything else -- he says no -- and she's like, "Nothing I can't handle. We good here? Think you can deal with a control freak with a drinking problem?" and then they make out and it's sooo cute. I mean, for this show, it's really cute. On another show it would be a murder-suicide in embryonic form, just red flags everywhere, but you know Bree is going to stay in charge of this. And like either of them would want it any other way. ("Fuck me on this placemat?" That's a keeper.) Well, and the fact that she never comes clean about purposefully pushing his buttons -- in order to embarrass him/get a man killed -- just so she wouldn't have to ask an honest question. But that's the most lovably Bree part of all.

Tom and a twin or two are watching scary movies and completely ignoring the fact that Treetrunks has been missing for hours. The doorbell rings and he summons his mother like a servant -- of course -- and then gets pissy when she doesn't immediately hop to. Then Penny points out that she's been gone pretty much all night, on a fool's errand, and that she's been pretty nonfunctional since oh, about sundown, so Tom resentfully heads out to comb the streets for his mother, who has totally just ruined his night with her old-lady bullshit. So annoyed is he, in fact, that he totally misses the old lady in fairy wings crouched against a picket fence doing her best impression of Lucille Ball in the classic Daphne Zuniga TV movie Stone Pillow.

Gabrielle approves of Grace's haul -- "You worked that sidewalk like a Milan runway!" -- and notes, again, that Celia is a weird little nugget. "How did you get so much of this in your fur? This is why cats do not chew gum." Grace, who is just sort of unctuous so far, offers Gabby some peppermint because it's her favorite, and Gabby leaves her in the hands of Juanita while she gets the gum off Celia. Juanita grabs some scissors and cuts the tiara out of Grace's hair with a quickness. Swish, swoop, slice.

In the bathroom Celia tries again to meow like a kitty; when she oinks instead, Gabby's all, "I really hope you marry well." (Good momming, Vietnam.) Then come the screams! Juanita's standing out there with this chiller of a smile and Grace's hair in her hands and the coldest voice of death: "She was having a problem. I fixed it."

Lynette tells whichever gay one that he looked better as Marilyn than Renee did, which is a damned lie although her followup line is good -- "JFK would be all over that!" -- and then her phone rings. It's Carlos, all, "Did you lose an old person?" She's so distracted -- I rewound it several times to make sure -- that she puts her phone in her purse and then hands her purse to Lee before heading over there. Isn't that odd? Why would you hand your phone and purse to somebody and then go tearing off in your flapper dress? Does she think she's going to have to tackle Fairy Grandmother to the ground? And how much would you pay to see that?

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Desperate Housewives

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