Desperate Housewives

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Besmirched, Bollocksed & Befuddled

Gabrielle is, of course, having a sleepover with her best friend in the whole world, an eight-year-old girl, while dressing her actual daughter as a big fat puppy. Renee explains that none of this is relevant because there are no kids allowed at her party: "See this? The tricycle with a line through it? No kids. They always get underfoot, they eat all the candy, and, uh, you can't swear in front of the little bastards." She does make an exception for Bree's boyfriend Keith, because watching him try to comprehend the whole "bobbing for apples" thing might just be the revenge that will quench her mean-girl thirst.

Mother Scavo comes stumbling into the room like a zombie and screams crazy senile talk about the China Sea or the China Syndrome or something, and as usual nobody notices that she constantly acts like Betty Draper having a bad trip in the parking lot of a String Cheese Incident show. This is why they are constantly surrounded by murderers and vehicular homicide and secret lesbians and boys locked in basements: It's that Fairview etiquette that says you see nothing, you say nothing, you let people stew. You hope the next tornado doesn't have a plane crash inside it.

Lynette remembers that Allison never asked her to get her special China Pearl hand cream, but of course Bloody Momma's all, "I ASKED YOU A MILLION TIMES! MY HANDS BEGIN TO CRACK AND BLEED! I STEWED AND ATE THE LINDBERGH BABY!" There's a great moment where Gabrielle stares at the Scav like, "Oh, this one's right on the edge. And don't you dare bleed on me, old lady." But she doesn't say anything, of course. Lynette agrees to hit the store -- ditching everybody she knows, in her living room -- as long as Allison wakes up baby Paige at three, so that she won't sleep all day and scream all night. Baby Paige shivers and turns over in her crib upstairs, hoping her mom comes home before Grandma leaves her in the yard, or on the roof, or mails her somewhere.

For once in her stupid life, Susan has decided to do the right thing: Show Mike how she's been prostituting herself firsthand, so that Paul will lose his blackmailing power over her. Mike, of course, makes it all about his wounded subprime masculinity and how he should have taken a job in Alaska to get the hell away from his horrible wife, and just send back the money she needs for paper doll costumes and cactuses to lick.

Susan tries to point out that, as usual, this is all her fault and there's no need for him to feel poorly about himself, but now that he sees an out, there's no way he's going to pass it up. She lets the other shoe fall and admits that Paul Young is blackmailing her to get their house, because he's so into their house for whatever reason. So Mike grabs a literal hammer and heads out the door, because after all the things Paul has done to him specifically, a real estate scheme involving his retarded wife is apparently the last straw. She jumps on his back -- again, literally -- and tells him she has an even worse idea.

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Desperate Housewives

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