Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Besmirched, Bollocksed & Befuddled

Best line in the episode so far is Renee, on the concept of vetting one's one-night stands: "Don't wanna end up handcuffed to my bed for three days... Again..." And also, let's not throw stones in the crazy house, considering Bree's already sabotaged her own sprinkler system and activated her army of little people in order to get this guy in the first place. Comforted by the Keith part -- and breezily unaware of the serious nature of her own problems -- Bree's like, "Thanks for calling me a 'bony old white lady' and giving me this news, friend." Renee then snottily counsels her to start a fight to see if Keith slugs her, which is such a killer end line that you almost feel bad for Bree having to come up with a rejoinder: "Whoever left you handcuffed to the bed for three days? He has my respect."

Does Grace love the princess costume that Gabby's been slaving over all week? She does. In fact, Grace crows, Gabrielle is the coolest mom ever. To prove it, here's what else is going on the whole time: Poor Juanita dressed like a puppy going, literally, "Look, Mommy! Woof! Woof! I can wag my tail!" It's bruuuutal. Gabrielle, I love Eva Longoria's acting, she's honestly into Juanita, like, they are buds. She loves her daughter, she tells her she's adorable, and giggles with her, but the second Grace comes in she drops that mess and starts styling her hair around the tiara.

Juanita asks for a little coiffure attention of her own, and she's like, "Sweetie, it doesn't even show. But I am gonna go over you with a lint roller!" I love how that is the same thing in her head, complete with a little affectionate chest-poke. Juanita decides she would rather be a princess, too, she doesn't want to be a puppy anymore, and Gabrielle goes, "Sorry, you're either going as a dog or a little Mexican girl. And in this neighborhood, we both know which one's getting more candy." (NICE.) Gabrielle's always been my favorite -- honestly, she's the only one that's ever made any sense to me -- but this time jump has made her entire journey toward having a soul quite fascinating, in addition to being funny. Lint roller!

Susan is dressed like a total asshole. (This Halloween I'm going as myself!) She's got a big bushy black wig in pigtails, an elaborately large little-girl clown dress, cheeks tarted up with rouge, the whole thing. She looks somehow deranged and stupidly innocent at the same time. And a quick second later, she is terminated as a teacher at the Oakridge School. Her only crime? Finally acting as dumb on the internet as she does everywhere else.

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Desperate Housewives

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