Desperate Housewives

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Besmirched, Bollocksed & Befuddled
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Because Paul Young still hasn't figured out that his prison wife is deranged, he can't understand why they haven't had sex. As their therapist points out, even in her cover story where she's one of those crazy ladies that falls in love with Charlie Manson, she wouldn't be into him, having chosen a jail person to wed because there's no touching in jail. And since that story is also clearly a lie, that's two levels of no sex with Paul Young.

Paul is bummed because he assumed -- as Mary Alice points out, with no more judgment in her voice than the natural condescension with which she says everything -- that a male therapist would be on his side. "Submit to marital rape!" the doctor would say, and Batshit Beth would be like, "Well, if science says so." Instead, the doctor gives them some quackery about "Well, since your relationship is not real and based on the tenuous balance of both your insane membranes, why not start with dating? You know, like how adults would have done it?"

Paul does not want to drop money on that shit because Paul is very much obsessed with his mysterious schemes. At this point, I don't blame him. I feel like just keeping up with his crazy self is something I've never been able to do, and I'm trying it from my relatively non-crazy brain. The noises in there, who knows. Honestly, it's so complicated at this point I plead ignorance. Tell me he cut off that lady's thumb, I'll say yes. Tell me he shot his wife in the kitchen while she was hanging herself, and then traded their son for a record third time with the Solis baby five years ago, maybe I would believe you. I never thought I would have to pay attention to this shit, so I didn't.

It is kind of a bummer that Mary Alice doesn't go Lovely Bones on their asses anymore. She still talks about friendship and whatever, neighbors and how to be neighborly, but how great would it be if she singsonged, "And I hope that motherfucker gets what's coming to him" or "Beth's a virgin? OH SNAP!" Every now and then, I mean. But also, I love what Paul says on finding out that latter fact he's like, "Saving yourself for marriage? GUESS WHAT YOU ARE MARRIED." Then he ruins it by calling her vagina a cookie jar and asking for a cookie, which: Nope. Advantage Beth. Oh, and supposedly she's 30, too.

Renee is having a party, so she lets herself into Lynette's house without knocking. "Yo bitches," she says, "I heard you like being insulted so I put some insults in this invitation so I can insult you while I invite you... To my Halloween party!" Since all of them have carried the crazy ball at this point -- and because all of them miss Edie more than they'll ever admit -- they don't even point out how incredibly rude she is. It's like a built-in reason for martyr Lynette to feel put-upon, and Susan deserves a shovel to the face at least three times a day, but I don't know why the others take it.

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Desperate Housewives

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