Once she learns that dialysis gets you out of everything, Susan quickly becomes so gross that even Renee is impressed. They scam the townspeople, the gentry, officers of the law, and restaurant hostesses, all using Susan's dialysis. They eventually start a mini-riot at one exclusive restaurant when Susan starts comparing her disease (deformed kidney is not a disease) and the "six hours, three times a week" of dialysis (that she already never shuts up about) to other people's silly problems like rheumatoid arthritis and diabetes. But before the townspeople can finish what they started when they kicked her kidneys out of her in the first place, she drops dead and Renee makes a coat of her pelt. Or something, I kind of checked out. You know that girl ain't going anywhere.
The boomeranged Twins are making Lynette's life hell, so she decides it's time for them to grow up and makes them get an apartment and jobs. Fake out! They move across the street to McCluskey's, who dotes on them more than Tom and Lynette ever did. Lynette sneaks them a keg and prods them to throw a party, so they end up back at Fort Scavo... But it turns out that Lynette is the one that made them like this -- retarded -- and so she is not only a bad mother but also a bad woman because it's always women's fault whenever anything happens, even personal things like growing a pair and a brain, because men have zero accountability, because Fairview is a disgusting town.
But not as disgusting as Las Colinas, TX, where Gabi lived before she ran away from her molester stepfather to become a famous supermodel. Of course, the whole town (which is a mishmash of every idea you might have ever had about Texas, but backwards and upside down) thinks of her as a hometown hero, which she finds therapeutic. Of course, the Solizes are there so she can read her farewell letter over stepdad's grave and get closure on all that, but she hits a surprisingly small number of roadblocks before realizing she actually needs to confront and take down the bitch nun who refused to protect her all those years ago, and contributed mightily to her trauma and fallout, at which point things get just a little Durang around the edges.
(Dude, when even a relentlessly hidebound, idiotic show like this is calling out the RCC for their crimes against children? You know you done fucked up.)
Also getting called out for her crimes against children is Bree, because her boyfriend's bastard son is moving with his pretty mommy all the way to Florida and since Bree kept Charlie a secret for a while, that's time Keith will never get back. He begs her to move with him to Florida, but of course she can't do that, and she finally figures out that she is a gross old controlling cougar and had no business being with Keith in the first place, so she sets him free. And he wanders away across the yard, all those tattoos and complex thoughts, just brewing and steaming, and then a mean dog gets him. Just bites him in half. A red-tailed hawk quickly swoops for the top half and then he's gone, disappeared, back to nature. He was never going to survive out there. Maybe now his hot dad can come back.
Oh, and Paul has a whole talk with Zana about how he wasn't the reason Mary Alice killed herself, but Zach's being super vague about why he's crazy in this particular way right now and why suddenly he's always hated Paul and this kind of thing. Then Zach tells him that nobody could ever love him, because of course everyone on this show already irrationally hates the shit out of Paul so why not Zach too? Then Paul goes home and -- having just learned last episode that Beth is Felicia's daughter and thus clearly a double agent for the enemy -- kicks Beth's deranged ass out into the street, where she ugly-cries like Angela Chase and is clearly this close to pulling a Mary Alice her own self.
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This week, Lynette is going to realize that she has done her sons a disservice by babying them the way everybody babies Tom. As usual, Tom will have zero accountability, and Lynette will be forced to come to terms with the fact that she is a nexus of evil that ruins everything she touches. Just when you think she's going to figure it out, the voice of white male supremacy will thunder across the sky, and she'll realize that when men don't have their own backbones, it's still somehow your fault. This will be accomplished by making the Twins look like cartoonishly low-functioning cases of heretofore undiagnosed developmental disorders on par with The Other Sister.
Things the Twins have not discovered for themselves having reached the age of majority: The location of eggs. The location of the refrigerator. Sarcasm. What goes under the kitchen sink (hint, it's not "fresh fruit"), The ingredients of an omelet. Whether it's appropriate to explain to your mother the difference between a "booty call" and a "drunken hookup."
They have girls downstairs for the look of whom Lynette does not much care, whom they met at a kegger and who are starving for the kind of food only Lynette in the middle of the night can provide. Their names are, of course, Kimberly and Tiffany, and one of them is from Denver, which is why the omelet much be a Denver omelet. The boys weakly offer to make this themselves, but are so lost in the weeds that Lynette immediately jumps out of bed to make it for them, complaining all the while in her crankiest voice. Mary Alice is like, "The worst thing about having children is that they exist."
Next morning, Lynette and a mystified Tom hand the boys the classified ads: They've got one week to find jobs and an apartment, or else. There's that usual confusion of pronouns that people who have no idea what twins are like -- but a childish sentimental excitement about the idea of twins -- show: Sometimes it's one of them graduating from college, sometimes both, sometimes only one of them needs a job, sometimes both. Sometimes "I," sometimes "we," mostly an unrealistic and vaguely defined middle.
Tom's like, "But they're male children, why do they have to do anything for themselves? I'm not criticizing, I'm honestly confused. Could you scratch my arm?" Lynette compares them to baby birds who will never fly, and shows him a grim future in which they live in the basement long into the Scavos' retirement, and he finally gets how it might affect him, so he's on board.