Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
One Hundred Years Of Solipsism

More things the Twins are too fucking Susan-stupid to understand: Places people might live that are not this house. How to create money in order to buy things. How to use a landline. Where the knives are. Magnets. It's dumb and dipshitty anyway, but also: Didn't one or both of them like already move out a couple of times? And, like, grow a mustache? I cannot have made that up. I don't want them gone because they're nice to look at, but any way you look at it, this show is hard to deal with sometimes.

Susan is drinking coffee -- kidneys love coffee -- and chatting with her insurance company as she drives down the road, narrowly missing a chipmunk and spilling coffee all over herself. The reason this is all happening at once is that her insurance might not be paying for all of her dialysis. (I don't know if you heard, but Susan's on dialysis. Six hours, three times a week.) Then a cop pulls her over, not because of the random swerving or the talking on her phone, but some other instance of bad driving that happened before all that.

"Sorry, it's just my deformed kidney made me drive poorly! I am going to be late for my dialysis, which I have for six hours three times a week!" The cop is like, "DIALYSIS? Let me carry you there on my broad back while you drink your coffee and read magazines and tell me each and every instance of the way you're constantly and unfairly being mistreated by this big old bad universe of ours." Well, it all started when I got naked on the internet for pervs to jack off to. I'd just threatened to murder a grieving widower down the street with a caveman's club, and let me tell you my ex-addict husband could not have been more sympathetic. He was in Alaska at the time, fucking a snowman, but he wouldn't bother to give me his kidney...

Gabi's therapist, in light of her air-clearing concentration on how her storyline this season has been about circling the abuse of her childhood, has suggested that she write a letter to the stepfather in question. This helped, I'm sure, a great deal. The next step is to take this letter to Texas -- and how dumb do I feel that I didn't connect the Grace/Texas thing to the Gabi/Texas thing, which is actually a smart thing the show did -- and read it to her stepfather's grave. I don't even want to talk about the way Texas is presented or the way Gabi talks about it, because it's par for the course of this show, but I'm guessing you already know exactly how that's going to fall out.

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Desperate Housewives




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