Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
One Hundred Years Of Solipsism

Las Colinas, which is funny every time because the real Las Colinas is like the suburban DFW equivalent of Silicon Valley -- polo shirts and Aspergers and NordicTracks, all the way from here to the big Texas horizon -- and nothing like what we're looking at: A pile of industrial waste that has been set on fire. Some creepy old nun comes trolling around the corner, and you can tell from the complete lack of affect on Gabi's face exactly what went down there, but before she can attack the nun for throwing her child self under the sexual abuse bus, some lady comes running up with the hilarity of Gabi's maiden name: "Gabrielle Marquez."

Did we know this? That's the funniest joke this show has ever done, if so. Well played, show. Tell me her mom's maiden name was Garcia and I will mail you five dollars, show. Here is a hug from me to you. So anyway, the lady is so excited because as it turns out, Gabi's a hometown hero, having been the only person who ever escaped and who hit escape velocity so hard, due to the hell of her life there, that she eventually became an international supermodel. Possibly this would get more play, but Gabi's feeling sick because of the nun, so they hit the hotel for a minute.

Keith has dropped off Charlie and his mom at the airport to Florida, and will now commence sitting on the porch looking sad and heavily tattooed. Bree is sympathetic, to the degree that she has a sympathetic bone in her body, and he spins some tale about how the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon and inside herself Bree's just like, "Well, that's enough of that. Time once again to arrange everybody else's life to my greatest convenience."

The Twins have actually found an apartment, and the Scavos are super-excited about loading up the car, taking pictures, tearful hugs goodbye -- Tom's still not clear on what is actually going on, really -- and then the car pulls out of the driveway and onto the Lane and then errk parks in front of the McCluskey residence, across the street. Awesomely, Lynette's only response at this time is to delete all the photos she just took, because that is some bullshit.

Susan gets out of jury duty through dialysis -- six hours a day, three times a week -- but like as a trick to delight Renee, who's been a proudly soulless monster forever while Susan is only now learning this about herself. Renee reiterates, as she does every week, that there is no reason for her and Susan to be friends, and then Susan says that she is owed all the shit and perqs she can get because of dialysis and how it's inconvenient and horrible. Like everybody else on dialysis, but you know, a little bit more because it's fucking Susan and everything is more important when it's about her. Renee responds by dragging her to this hot new restaurant in town, Girard's, where she can't get a table.

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Desperate Housewives




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