Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
One Hundred Years Of Solipsism

Susan and Renee try to work their kidney magic, but the guy behind them in line has diabetes and his wife has rheumatoid arthritis. Susan tells them to go fuck their diseases, because hers is way better, and then everybody starts yelling at everybody else. ("I have Restless Leg Syndrome!" one woman yells, and they all beat her savagely.) Only this show could somehow implicate everyone on earth as being a horrible victim stereotype, because only this show honestly believes that we are as selfish and vile and grasping and greedy and unlovely as these people.

So finally the gruesome twosome realize it's not going to work... Which is, of course, when Susan actually does just keel over onto the floor. Renee's like, "Honey, it's not working, get up, you're being weird." It takes her a few seconds to realize that Susan is dying right there in the middle of Girard's, and she screams for help, but the people just step over her and keep trying to wrangle for a table, because we are all assholes in America and with the Kidney Genovese all the time.

Or, you know, because Susan is the worst goddamn thing and probably all of Fairview have had her drive up onto their lawns, or knock out their children at the playground, or trip their grandmothers at a funeral, or whatever fucking mayhem she's always unleashing.

Beth finds Paul packing a suitcase, but it is not his suitcase, oh no. It is Beth's suitcase, because she is going on a little trip. Where to? Nobody knows. The curb. Paul's like, "Don't forget your gun!" which I think is a little premature considering they're both just crazy as all get out, but if Zach was right that means everybody is an enemy and safety starts at home, so she's out. Mary Alice says some snide bullshit about how all of these stories are connected by leaving things behind -- childhood, molestation, the man who killed your aunt with a household appliance -- but the balls-out Douglas Sirk kitsch of having Beth Young literally dragging her suitcase down the middle of the street, mascara running down her face, howling like we're in the Baskervilles? That's only matched by Mary Alice going, "And the shittiest thing of all is when you're Paul Young's wife and then you shoot yourself right in the fucking head."

Next week: Presumably Beth murders herself in an elaborate and public fashion, Felicia comes rocketing out of prison looking for triple-vengeance, Susan accidentally eats both of Beth's kidneys instead of getting them donated into her abdomen, or fashions them into a hat, or sells them for some magic beans on the magic black market. Gabrielle discovers what acting like a normal person feels like, but since by now Juanita's probably got a job as a paralegal somewhere and doesn't really need the stress, only Celia will "benefit." Zach will get cleaned up and go back to looking like a little kid and not the bad-ass hottie he's been looking like lately, which will make certain of us, not naming names, feel retroactively super-creepy. And Paul, if this is possible, Paul will get even more deranged, and blame somebody even more ridiculous for all his horrible travails. Somehow, Lynette will make all of these things worse.

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Desperate Housewives




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